It's been just over a week since I wrote my open letter to my assaulters and I only have one word to describe the feelings I have had over the past week: wow.
I posted the article early Monday morning. I had written it the weekend before and it took me weeks to write. I sometimes felt the need to cry and I did at some points, but my hands just mainly shook. I felt all the feelings, I heard all the sounds, I could smell all the smells. But I knew it was something I wanted to do. I knew that this could change my life and the lives of so many others, but I don't think I fully understood the severity before posting it.
It went live while I was in class. Immediately, likes and comments started to flood the link on my Facebook. Within minutes, I had texts, messages, and comments from everyone about the article. Close friends, friends from high school, friends from across the country, and even some people I had one class with my freshman year first semester. Everyone started to reach out to me, praising me and thanking me for my article, my bravery, and my honesty. I was touched. It was crazy to think that someone actually took the time to read my article, but a number of people who then took it even a step further to reach out to me made it even more touching.
I woke up Tuesday morning with a feeling of new life, literally. I got up early, ate breakfast, got all ready, went to classes, meetings, Bible study, and even had time to write some blog posts AND do homework. I went for a drive that day down by the water because it was warm with an iced caramel macchiato, and I felt happy. I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't realize it until later, but I felt normal. For the first time in 4 years, I felt normal. I did not feel like I had this huge weight on my shoulders or this weight on my heart. There is no way to describe it other than I felt normal. I felt happy, carefree. Normal.
That feeling has continued on. Each day, I wake up with this new look on life. I want to try new things, I want to be as involved as humanly possible (and then some), I want to tell people how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I want to leave people better than I found them and I want to do the same to every place I set foot in.
Those feelings have been continuing with all of the outreach. The number of messages, texts, and the strong women coming to me with their stories is overwhelming, exciting, heartbreaking, and satisfying all at once. I did not know what exactly I was hoping to have come from this article and this gesture or putting it all over my social media, but I knew I wanted a ripple and in return, I got a wave. And looking back, I would not have it any other way.
To the ones who came to me: thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me that you trust me with your testimony and your story and that you feel safe and comfortable telling me. Seriously, you have no idea how much that means to me. I promise to keep your story in my heart and to be here if you ever need any support again.
To the ones who want to know who they are: I will never tell. There is a reason why I did not use names; this is water under the bridge for me now. This article was my last step in healing. It has taken me three years, but I finally feel healed. I will never publicly release their names and have found it quite saddening to see how many people were messaging me solely to know who they were. That is not important and was not the point of the article.
To the ones who have questioned me: shame on you. You are the reason why articles like these need to be ever posted. There is so much stigma and disbelief around sexual assault and questioning victims only makes it worse. I would never question your story or your testimony, so why question mine?
To the ones who are shocked: I know. It is shocking. I told very few people about these experiences. I never shared it before this openly, but I wanted to. Read that again please, I wanted to. I made the choice to, so please respect that choice. If you don't like it, then don't read it. If you are upset or angered by the way I did this, then agree to disagree with me and walk away. There is no point in you coming to me telling me to take it down or change the details of it. I spent time writing this, I know people can figure out who these two men are. Many already have. This is my story and I was ready to share it.
Four years ago, I never realized how much this would impact me. If I had known, I would have gotten help immediately. I wouldn't have put it off for so many years. Who knows, maybe the second time would never have happened if I had gotten help. But I guess that is something I will just never know, and I am ok with that. I have accepted my past and I look forward to my future because of it. I am a survivor. Even more, I am a thriving survivor. It took me 4 years to get here, but I am here and I am going to live and love each day to the absolute fullest... and then some.
Wow. Literally, the only word that has been able to describe this experience. Never in a million years did I think I would be writing this article, but I also never thought I would write an open letter to my assaulters. Thank you. Here is to one week of being Carly, post assault and ready to reclaim the world they thought they took away from me.
"Still, I rise."
