There are very few promises that I can make, but the inevitability of getting sick during college is one of them. It makes sense: it's your responsibility to clean your living space, there's not a lot of air circulation in the dorms and you're living with another person whose germs are all over you and your belongings.

Unfortunately, though, I have been sick for seven consecutive months. Despite my spending more time at University Health Service than I do in my dorm room and taking more medication than I knew ever existed, I have not been well since August 30th, 2017.

Thank you, University Health Service, for being the only thing to suck more than my immune system. Here are a few tips and tricks I learned from your malpractice and sub-par healthcare:

1. An Albuterol inhaler can't cure my 102 fever

You see, the difference between my Elementary school nurse and University Health Service doctors is this: in grade school, I would have an injury or illness, would go to the nurse, and she would give me a band-aid for my broken foot. After school, I would then go to a real doctor and receive proper medical treatment. At University Health Services, the nurses are my only source of medical attention and treatment. They're supposed to have the answers, but they seem to be a little confused.

An Albuterol inhaler may put my wheezing to a halt for about 30 seconds, but it has not a single implication on my body temperature. Mayo Clinic and WebMD don't offer it as a treatment for a fever, so why would these nurses?

2. Z-Pacs are the Ludens of cough drops

Sure, Z-Pacs seem to be the cure to everything: they're cheap, they're easy to get and you're done with the prescription in five days. In the same respect, though, they're a waste of money, they're prescribed for everything, and because of that, you will probably never get better. It's like Ludens – of course, you want the best tasting cough drop, but they're just another sucking candy. No one ever picked an herbal honey drop over a tasteful cherry candy, but, on the other hand, they're just not effective. At all.

3. I know my cough sounds like Bronchitis, but maybe check for other things?

I'm not saying that your sense of hearing isn't keen, but I'm also not saying that it's the most effective way to diagnose illness. Maybe run some tests, take a blood test, capture some X-Rays, I don't know. From one person who knows little about the medical field to another person who clearly knows little about the medical field, there are probably other ways to determine what I have. Besides, I'm pretty sure a deep, raspy cough is a symptom of several illnesses.

4. Telling me that you're "not sure what a walk-in clinic can do for me" doesn't help

I'm supposed to be the hopeless person, not you. Although it's evident that I'm not receiving the right diagnoses or treatments, it would be a little better if I didn't know that you lack the proper knowledge and skills to help me.

5. Hydration and sleep don't cure Pneumonia

Or Strep or Bronchitis or Sinusitis or Pharyngitis or Laryngitis or Tonsillitis or the Flu or basically anything other than Mono. Again, all things that WebMD has taught me. Stop making it my responsibility to get better, but rather take a few seconds to write me a prescription. Also, try to make it the correct prescription. Again, a Z-Pac doesn't cure any of these things either.

6. Adding an "Itis" to the end of every body part won't make the inflammation go down

Enough said. I figure that my entire body is swollen if I can't really do much with it, but maybe try to help fix that?

7. There are many "Viral Infections." Be a little more specific with that Medical degree of yours

You paid how many hundreds of thousands of dollars for your education to tell me that I probably have one of many viral infections? I feel bad for you. Here's an idea: take a Viral Culture or an Antibody Test. Or phone a friend. Anyone. The vagueness isn't really appreciated when we're talking about my health and well-being.

8. "Sorry" is not an acceptable excuse for misdiagnosing me

Yep. My body is not a game of trial and error. Medical problems are not a joke, and I am a liability of the University that you work for, so maybe try a little harder at your job.

Hopefully, I can nurse myself back to health over this upcoming summer. Until then, I'll have to keep taking Z-Pacs and using Inhalers for unknown medical issues.