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I Pooped At Trump Tower And It Was A Yuge Disappointment

I bombed the hell out of the toilet. I love the Ceramics!

Jon Schwoerer

Jul 17, 2017

Hunter College

107

I Pooped At Trump Tower And It Was A Yuge Disappointment

Jonathan Schwoerer

Last Saturday, I pooped at Trump Tower.

I visited Trump Tower because I had nothing else better to do. It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had no other plans.

Also, Trump is our President. Why not visit a building that bears his namesake?

Trump Tower is a terrible building. It is really gaudy and gross. Trump Tower is so bad that it is actually embarrassing. Its architecture is obviously designed to be imposing and to impress, but it ends up just being a parody of itself. Sad! The only people who think Trump Tower is fancy are people who think Olive Garden is real Italian food and like eating Hickory Farms sausages every Christmas. Imagine Grand Central, except terrible and perpetually stuck in the 1980s. That's Trump Tower.

As I walked past security and entered Trump Tower's main lobby, an urge suddenly came upon me. The urge to poop. I hadn't pooped all day, so it made sense that I needed to poop at that very moment. Following Trump Tower's faux-gold-plated signage, I rode the escalator (the same escalator Trump rode on when he first announced his Presidential bid back in 2015!!!) down to the bottom floor and made my way to the men's room. I was excited: I was about to poop in a building that bears the nam

The toilets at Trump Tower are not gold, which was a yuge disappointment. The bathrooms at Trump Tower are just average. Not yuge or beautiful in any way. I pooped, washed my hands (of course), and then made my way to the gift shop.

Trump Tower's gift shop sells lots of Trump-themed memorabilia. Trump hats, T-shirts, beer coasters, bottle openers, mugs, pins – you name it, they had it. The Trump gift shop also sells books written by the man himself (and ghostwritten by someone else)! Oddly enough, the gift shop even displays copies of the failing New York Times. One item, though, stood out in particular:

Mommy has such a yuge rack! Beautiful! Perfect to suck at! 8 out of 10!

Besides pooping at Trump Tower and terrible baby clothing, nothing else of interest exists at Trump Tower. Just lots of stupid, fat white people. Indeed, if I stayed there any longer, I would've ended up projectile vomiting into one of Trump Tower's not-golden toilets. So I left.

Do not go to Trump Tower. The end.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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I Pooped At Trump Tower And It Was A Yuge Disappointment

I bombed the hell out of the toilet. I love the Ceramics!

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1. "Unlimited Freedom!"

2. "Dorm Life!"

3. "Never mind, where is my apartment?"

4. "Whose idea was this 8 AM?"

5. I'm so looking forward to that nap."

6. "I don't have the brain capacity for this"

7. "Wow, college is great"

It's easier than you think.

1. Look into Housing and Dining.

2. Pay attention to campus postings.

3. Find common interest groups.

4. Join an intramural sports team.

5. Work on a cause that you care about.

6. Join a club related to your major.

7. Get an on-campus job.

8. Volunteer.

College without friends is like peanut butter without jelly.

1. You need people to hang out with.

2. You don’t want to be stuck alone eating lunch or dinner.

3. Weekends suck without anyone to share them with.

4. College will be miserable for you.

5. Finding a roommate for the following year will be impossible.

6. You need someone to talk to about personal stuff or homework that isn’t your mom.

7. Classes will be boring and quiet for you if you don’t know anyone.

8. Walking around campus is just awkward.

9. Homework help and study buddies do not exist.

Why it pays to leave the hoodie at home.

1. Comfort

2. Confidence

3. Surprises

4. Self Esteem

A few signs that you may live in the library whether you'd like to admit it or not.

1. You dress for the temperature of the library, not the weather outside.

2. You say hello to the security guard when he or she walks by.

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4. You eat all your meals at a library cubby, not at your own house.

5. You take the quiet floors very seriously.

6. Any night you are not at the library is a special occasion.

7. You have shown up to the library hungover on more than one occasion.

8. Your friends always text you when they are going to the library because they know you will be there.

9. You have taken a nap in the library at some point.

10. You know all the cold and hot spots in the library.

11. You've seen your studying pay off.

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