Hey sis,

I know.

I know you don't make those plans for a reason.

You say, "Yeah, we should totally hang out!" But you never do.

You avoid going out.

You hate your job or school or whatever pulls you out of the house.

This makes you miserable but you do it anyway.

You do whatever you can to be available.

Available for him.

You want to be around for those three hours between wake up and night shift, even if it's just to cook him something or go to the gym together.

You need to be able to devote yourself to that phone call on that night that he's on his third twelve and you know he took an off duty the next night. You hold onto those Snapchat's and short texts you will randomly receive throughout the shift.

You're afraid that if you miss a moment, that his love for the job will take over. He's passionate. He loves it. He was built to be an LEO.

Sometimes his love for the job scares you, because you feel as though he's either more invested in it than you or that he's going to go into a call too excited and something happen.

Both of those being two very real nightmares that you face on the daily.

You know the stats for police divorce.

You've read the articles that say when and if you have kids, that you will feel like a single parent.

You've already experienced showing up to family events alone.

You know what it's like to pretend Christmas is just another day because he's clocking in that night.

You're probably starting to resent the job. Why shouldn't you? Your husband is spending more time with his partner than with you.

But that doesn't mean you want him to quit. You love his partner because he is such a good friend to your officer. You trust him and God with the life of your husband.

You know how happy it makes him. You know how much he cares about the difference he's making. It doesn't make you any less proud. It doesn't make you stop wearing your police wife shirt or carrying your thin blue line cup because you are so excited to show everyone how amazing your man is.

You've got all of these emotions stemming from all of these places and sometimes you feel like he just doesn't understand why you need those extra moments with him.

The world hates him. There's people who target cops. People they don't even know, for no good reason.

Your husband may be willing to sacrifice his life for the greater good...

But what he doesn't realize is that every time he puts that badge on, he's putting a target on your entire world. That's heavy. That's hard.

I tell my husband that he doesn't realize that I'm never not worrying about him, and that is something that they cannot grasp because they are that selfless. They know that they are doing something so brave, but they don't realize how brave we have to be.

They are not taking us for granted. They just know how strong we are. They know us. They love us with all their heart and they are doing this job for us. To provide. To protect. To sustain.

There's no answer when you feel alone. There's no fix to the fear you have to live in. There's just love. You got to love your officer and love them hard. Don't give up. Self care. Make the plans. Go to the events. Girl, pray. Talk to God. Cultivate that relationship, because when you have Him, neither you nor your spouse will be alone.

Don't loose yourself in taking care of him, because that only causes resentment.

I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I'm still working through it, a year and one month in. I cannot say it's gotten any easier, but I can say that every time my husband comes home with the story about the life he saved or the child he gave a badge to, it just makes me love him that much more. It reminds me of the AMAZING human that I married.

You're amazing too. You are strong too. Yeah, it's hard, but you've made it this far by the grace of God.

Reach out to your sisters in blue, we walk the same line you do.

With love,

Tay