As everyone who's reading this probably already knows, Pokemon Go is a game that now exists. On July 6th, the augmented reality Niantic game became available to the public on both Apple and Android devices. The game has since exploded in popularity, surpassing both Tindr, Instagram and Twitter in one week, proving that people really would choose a virtual Pikachu over love, seflies and subtweeting their boyfriends. It's the most popular app in the world right now, and it's also the worst thing to ever happen to society.

I'm going to start with the basics. The game requires you to walk around and catch virtual Pokemon, which are essentially little pocket monsters that you can then battle and evolve to your heart's desire. Let me repeat myself, it requires you to walk. How dare a gaming company force people to walk around in order to play a game? Gamers are supposed to be housebound at all times, and all children are supposed lazy freeloaders who do nothing but sit on couches scrolling through Facebook and tweeting cat pictures at each other. Before this game was announced, I would have said that it was a disgrace to society for young people to spend their lives inside playing games, but now that they are outside playing games I have to say that the world is even worse.

I personally have been victimized by these Pokemon Go-ers. Just this week a guy bumped into me while looking at his phone, I suffered a severe bruise to my left shoulder that may need medical attention. I can only assume he was too busy trying to capture a wild Clefairy to actually pay attention to where he has going. People get so absorbed in this game that they lose all sense of duty and respect. How dare a game be both fun and interactive all the while making people get out of the house to play it? This game has caused so much violence already, when does it end?

Also there's the matter of the Pokemon themselves. I have to agree with Westboro Baptist Church's belief that Pokemon are virtual demons sent to this Earth to destroy us all by making people catch them all.

I mean look at this:

That thing can be nothing other than one of Satan's demons come to set us all ablaze and send us down to the fiery inferno.

In addition to hunting demons, the game also offers GPS tracking capabilities. It tells you where all the major Pokemon hotspots are in the town and tracks your position relative to all the Pokemon in the area. This is obviously another ruse by the government to track our every move. We all know that the U.S. Government is very interested in where you live and how often you go to the local Starbucks, and now they have an app to not only let them know how many caramel macchiatos you've spent $4 on this week, but also the exact number of Rattatas and Pidgeys you have (spoiler alert, Obama, the answer is way too many).

In summary, this game is not only the worst thing to happen to me, but to society in general. It's causing millions of harmless (or so we thought) introverts to leave their houses and venture into the real world, and it serves as a breeding ground for vanity and Satan's demons themselves.

OK, so if you can't tell, this entire article so far is sarcastic. I love Pokemon Go, I think it's a really fun, interactive game even with its flaws and endless server crashes. It's helping countless people with severe anxiety or agoraphobia get over their fears, and it's actually making exercise fun which is never a bad thing. As for churches hating on the game, I would just ask why you aren't trying to use the game for good instead of damning it. Many churches are highlighted on the game as Pokemon gyms, which are places where trainers can battle their carefully collected Pokemon. Instead of hating on the game and calling Pokemon demons of hell, use the fact that your church is a hotspot to maybe, I don't know, draw people into the church? Have organized Pokemon tournaments with free food, and preach the gospel at the end of the event. Admit that not every single thing in this world is evil, and that playing a fun little game isn't hurting anyone.

I do advise however that people be safe while playing it. Don't play at night, don't trespass and don't cross the street for a wayward Jigglypuff. There's been so many cases so far of trainers being hit by cars or mugged because they needed more pokeballs at 3 a.m. Play the game, and have fun, but do it safely and think about what you're doing. As the opening screen of the game says, be aware of your surroundings and you will be absolutely fine playing this game.

Actually, this game will sort of take over your life but honestly what is so bad about kids and adults and everyone in between going out and catching cute little virtual monsters? I have no idea why some people hate this game so much. This article is my best attempt to get into their bitter, bitter mindset. Good luck to all you budding Pokemon trainers out there, I hope you catch 'em all and complete your quest to be the very best. And to everyone who hates this game but doesn't even know what a Pokemon is, please either stop posting about it or try the game. Who knows, you might actually like it.