Caramel scotch on the rocks
You tip back your glass
You didn’t think life
Would change oh-so-fast

There is your wife
She’s having an affair
With a Pilates instructor
Who has better hair

Your best friend, Craig:
He’s getting hitched.
You’ll be the third wheel,
Ham in bread, sandwiched.

And there is your boss,
thought your comments were crass
and now you are fired,
God, he's a jackass

There is your dog,
Who has to be dying,
And the goddamn vet
Who wouldn’t stop crying.

“Want another drink?”
The bartender leans over
“I can’t have you leaving
Entirely sober.”

“Yeah,” you reply,
“Just screw me up,”
And then the bartender
Pours milk in your cup.

Not two percent,
but sweet whole dairy.
You can’t remember the name
Of the girl Craig will marry.

And you find yourself
Spilling, stumbling out of the bar.
You look for your car—
Man, it’s parked too damn far

But there is a taxi
Conveniently near.
You’re proud to have found it,
You’re glad it is here

After some small talk
Current events and the weather,
He asks, “how are you?”
You smile. “Couldn’t be better.”