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Poetry On Odyssey: Growing Up

It feels weird to tell them what's going on.

Lindsey Ocock

Sep 20, 2018

College of Charleston

Lindsey Ocock

There are days where I look back at then and compare it to now and it feels like nothing has changed.

I'm too scared to tell them what's going on in my head because there's no way this is real.

There's no way I feel the same as I felt alone in my dorm room a year and a half ago.

There's no way anyone can ever understand what happened as he does???

It's too much to explain or it's just too much.

It's a burden.

It's a weight.

It's an "I'm sorry."

It's me telling myself I won't cry when we're all just hanging out.

It's an "I don't want to be dramatic."

It's me feeling dramatic and negative.

It's a downer.

It's an "I don't want you to feel sorry for me."

It's a random mom asking me if I'm "OK" before I even knew I wasn't

It's me being OK.

I don't even know what "it" is.

But, he's not here.

And we were not meant to be.

I didn't mean to make this so sad

or about him.

And, I can't spend my entire life depending on a single person.

But, they're doing their own thing.

They're thriving and it feels weird not to be.

It feels weird to tell them what's going on.

So, it comes out as me being mad for no reason without explaining.

Or it comes out as me distancing myself.

But, it is about them or him.

Every person I have ever been close to

is a part of me.

So, it's about everyone because they were here for me.

I'm too old to be doing this.

I'm too old to have it together

and I'm too old to not ask for the help.

There are days I look back and everything's different.

There are days it all feels the same.

There are times I do it just for the attention.

There are times I wish I could take things back and reword everything I said.

There are moments I wish I could change.

There are moments I wouldn't take anything back.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I am 20 years old and I have growing up to do. It's so easy to go through it all and act like everything's perfect. It's all the exciting, scary, fun, sad, stressing and amazing — and sometimes it's less complicated to pretend that everything's fine. But, I've always been complicated and messy.

Everything is not fine right now, but I have growing to do and I want to be a better person every day. I'm trying to apologize for less. I'm trying to figure it out.

Growing up is difficult sometimes — I'm not perfect and I do not always have it together.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Poetry On Odyssey: Growing Up

It feels weird to tell them what's going on.

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

1. You feel like an elder.

2. You may feel lonely.

3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

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