A poem to a previous girlfriend; With ties I hope not to amend.

I have also been inspired to create; By all others who are able to relate.

Note to the reader: I am not a poet. This has been my first and only attempt at producing a poem. Reaching out of my comfort zone is solely done so with the intent of humor. I felt like this would be easier to read than a whiny narrative on why my past relationship failed.

To My Ex

Dearest ex, life has been

So much different without you.

But by "different", I mean better,

For our relationship blew.

I don't miss you at all,

For I've made plans for the summer

That I want to spend without you,

But may I ask... How's your mother?

All this distance between us

Took some getting used to,

Until I looked in my wallet

And saw money I never knew.

That cash which now seems

To be what stuck you to me like glue,

And I think you should know

That I have been just fine without you.

So I wrote you this poem,

Because I thought it'd be funny.

But it may make you angry,

For I am not a dummy.

While you read, I'll be

safely keeping my distance.

In the meantime please picture

My ass, you can kiss it.

If I were to compare thee

To a single summer's day,

You are most like the humidity,

Just gross and in the way.

You used to chew with your mouth open,

And you would skip showers often.

Or at least from what I could tell,

Stepping near you with caution.

When I think of you now,

I can nearly feel your hair.

Not your head's, but your legs,

Did you ever shave down there?

Of course, what is easy

Is remembering your frown,

'Cause it was there every day,

At least when I was around.

I tried making you smile

But my humor never did.

When I tried telling jokes,

I may as well commit sin.

I never liked when you yelled

And assumed I was wrong,

I didn't like to make scenes

But in that trait, you were strong.

In the car you would decide

On what music you'd sing along.

Though you were bad and officially

Ruined my favorite Fall Out Boy song.

I never could compliment you,

As you made damn sure of that.

And yes, by the way,

That red dress made you look fat.

Kisses from you always

Took away my last breath

Because it tasted like garbage

And smelled worse than death.

One night you came over

And you were already drunk.

You shouldn't have been driving,

So at my house, you were stuck.

You were much less than graceful

While you stumbled here and there.

But I'll admit it was a little funny

When you got puke in your hair.

Now I ask myself "what kept me?"

Was it the way we had sex?

No, come to think of it,

you were like a two... at best.

By now, you're probably happy,

I'm sure you found someone.

Hey new guy! If you're reading,

please just trust me! Run!

In the future, someone may

Just try to make your their wife.

Though whoever that is

Should reevaluate their life.

But all joking aside,

I do wish you the best.

You are a really good sport

And this got a lot off of my chest.