I wrote this poem about the first time I had sex, which was also when I was raped. I was raped on May 13th last year and as the one year anniversary approaches, I want to share this poem about my experience. You can read about it in detail in my other article titled "My Ex-Boyfriend Raped Me And Took My Virginity At The Same Time."

We Fucked

like harpooning a whale

Fins twitching, my own arms, twitching

Trying to hold onto anything but

Everything

kept falling

my tongue, in my throat

your dick, in my body

my blood down my thighs, quickly

on your ivory sheets

like sprinkles like confetti like

You like

I thought you were my best friend

the way I said, “I trust you”

But you

are a “Sorry, Man" ; a smiling man

a “just our position” man

your head in your arms

Slowly, all at once,

a wedding ring you give me. I say no.

You say “I love you” a thousand times. I say no. Should it matter?

You fuck me

when I am sleeping

I wake up, you’re inside me

Your hands hold my throat, like a ring

Your mother died and you want four daughters

And you hurt me

Like a thousand likes on Instagram

“Why did you like his post?” you ask.

“He is my brother,” I say.

“He is another man.”

And I-

I am a thousand trembling constellations

My mother’s hip bones. My father’s nose. My laughter,

the violet bruises that wavered like hair

Underwater I tried to make pain beautiful but there is nothing.

I was naive but not

an accident

You blamed me

found my empathy to be a weakness in the hospital

I texted you and you never

responded.

Originally published in Alloy Literary Magazine, 2018 edition.

Some alterations to the poem have been made because I don't have the ability to put multiple spaces before words.