If you read a lot of my writing, you'll notice it has a poetic lilt to it. I'm not trying to be the next Shakespeare; I wrote a poem a day when I was 15 and it stuck. The reason I did this was to work through my childhood trauma. I was viciously bullied for a majority of elementary and middle school and never really processed it. I was too afraid and I didn't know how. (This was long before I realized that there's nothing wrong with going to therapy.)

The funny thing is I kind of fell into it by accident. At the time, I was taking an accelerated English class and we had to write a poem talking about the "skeletons in our closet." My teacher said we didn't have to go too deep if we weren't feeling comfortable enough. I was going to lie through my teeth (OK maybe I'm trying to be a little like Shakespeare) at first, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Lying in writing is against my moral code for better or worse.

So I sat down and forced myself to write the poem. I reasoned I'd just throw it away if I didn't like it or couldn't continue. Well, I got through the whole thing and immediately burst into tears much to the concern of my tablemates. I didn't tell them a thing. I mean how do you even explain, "Oh no I'm just crying because I wrote a poem delving into four years of unresolved trauma and I just realized my past is horrible?" Good times.

Jokes aside, though, that day changed my life. After I finished crying, I felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I faced my past down outside of my head, so there was no denying it. But the most important part is the distance that the paper and the pencil gave. I could pretend I was writing the story of a fictional character if I wanted while venting my emotions and thoughts. It was great!

That was what motivated me to keep writing poems every day. I could work through individual events at my own pace and grow as a person. In other words, one of Google Drive's lesser-known uses is working through unresolved childhood trauma!

Now, fast forward to present day. I've processed a large majority of my experiences as a bully victim, but not necessarily what happened afterwards. All throughout middle school, I suffered from severe dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization. (You can read more about these conditions here.) I essentially went through life feeling like I was watching a movie and the person I saw in the mirror didn't feel like me.

It was never a part of my life I was particularly proud of. For a long time, I saw that as the weakest point in my life. Instead of reaching out, I hid. Instead of facing the truth, I was living a lie. My psychologist changed my mind a little bit. She said it may have very well saved my life because I was so broken I probably wouldn't have been able to take much more. Add in the fact that I was passively suicidal and you have the reason why I'm still alive.

That didn't make me feel much better though. I was still horrified and ashamed that I was living like that for years on end. So I wrote a poem about it that you can read here. And, yes, I wrote it on Google Drive.

P.S. If you want to learn more about poetry therapy, you can read about it on The National Association for Poetry Therapy's official website!