Ive lost myself
in another human,
in a dark endless tunnel
of my mind.
Spending days analyzing
every memory
encounter
conversation
touch
wondering where I went wrong.
Until I realized it was all a show
I was a puppet
a people pleaser
a servant
a convenience.
I was willing to give up my happiness
to have someone,
regardless of the let downs
disappointment
pain
hurt
insecurity
I endured.
I lost love for myself
criticized every flaw I saw
so I could be perfect,
so they would never want to let go.
Always reassured in their
empty words and promises
that only covered the surface
of what I craved so badly,
an obsolete love.
I thought I knew the meaning
but I was still so naive
love is kind
love does not boast
love does not envy
love isn't jealous.
Love isn't spiteful
it is not vindictive
it is not controlling
it is not hateful
it is not dishonest
Ive finally faced the facts.
I lost myself in you
The girl I convinced myself I built
She came crumbling to the ground
The control was no longer mine
I became the "mental case"
I was claimed to be
All of my anxiety
unleashed on me
So today I make a promise
to myself.
I will live out the true meaning of love
to open my heart
to finding it
in myself
and one day, someone else.
I am finally closing a door
that I have left open for so long
that has brought demon upon demon
into my life and into my mind
so much so I became debilitated and blind
to the damage I caused myself.
But today that stops
today I end a chapter
so that I can start anew
because my heart
no longer belongs to you.
