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A Poem

To myself, For myself, By myself

Erin Sweeney

Sep 10, 2018

Sacred Heart University

Photo by Aung Soe Min on Unsplash

Ive lost myself

in another human,

in a dark endless tunnel

of my mind.

Spending days analyzing

every memory

encounter

conversation

touch

wondering where I went wrong.

Until I realized it was all a show

I was a puppet

a people pleaser

a servant

a convenience.

I was willing to give up my happiness

to have someone,

regardless of the let downs

disappointment

pain

hurt

insecurity

I endured.

I lost love for myself

criticized every flaw I saw

so I could be perfect,

so they would never want to let go.

Always reassured in their

empty words and promises

that only covered the surface

of what I craved so badly,

an obsolete love.

I thought I knew the meaning

but I was still so naive

love is kind

love does not boast

love does not envy

love isn't jealous.

Love isn't spiteful

it is not vindictive

it is not controlling

it is not hateful

it is not dishonest

Ive finally faced the facts.

I lost myself in you

The girl I convinced myself I built

She came crumbling to the ground

The control was no longer mine

I became the "mental case"

I was claimed to be

All of my anxiety

unleashed on me

So today I make a promise

to myself.

I will live out the true meaning of love

to open my heart

to finding it

in myself

and one day, someone else.

I am finally closing a door

that I have left open for so long

that has brought demon upon demon

into my life and into my mind

so much so I became debilitated and blind

to the damage I caused myself.

But today that stops

today I end a chapter

so that I can start anew

because my heart

no longer belongs to you.

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