Soft and white

Barely even there

Yet I can still feel it

As my hands gently brush against the base of my neck

Smooth and tender

A small bump sits comfortably on the surface of my flesh

My eyes find it in the mirror

A tiny scar that was once a tiny incision

Like a vampire with only one canine

Branded by the grim reaper himself

Opening up a tunnel to my heart

And inserting his own special brand of fear

Imprinting the lines on the foreheads of my parents

Unreadable and misunderstood

By my own child eyes

Merely an obstacle that would soon pass over me

Like the fears that until years later

Would remain unnoticed

~

The fear of never growing up

The power of the double digits

Handed to me like a scepter

Parading around the play ground

Like some majestic queen who ruled over the land

Of sand castles, swing sets and monkey bars

Never understanding the phrase

You never know what you have until you’ve lost it

And learning how to be strong when there is no one there to be strong for you

Never feeling the exhilaration of crisp pieces of paper

Between my fingers as I turn the page to reveal a new secret

And breathe in the scent of a new world

The scratch of my pen against the parchment spreading

Letters and words like wild fire

Making thoughts and ideas hold new meaning

Never grasping the sticks in my hands

And discovering what it means to really work hard for something

you are passionate about

Long nights that could have been spent on trivial things

Being put towards a grander and more meaningful use

Ringing ears, blistered hands, aching back

All worth it for that one moment of glory

Never discovering the voice that moves people to tears

The heaviness in my chest that settles like a rock

Before the curtain is pulled open to relieve me with bright lights

And a feeling of confidence that fills my grandfather’s heart with pride

The performances and songs that control my emotions like a puppeteer

Never feeling the warm tingle that climbs up your back

Gently touching each and every vertebrae

As if playing an intricate melody

That was written for you in this moment

Until it reaches your mind and turns off all senses of anything

But the warmth of your lips on mine

Never getting to finally hear the words that you have been waiting to hear

Since sixth grade

We welcome you

We congratulate you

We invite you to fill your mind

With the knowledge that will carry you

To your dreams

To your future

Never reaching my future

Never living my life

~

My eyes meet with the girl in the mirror

She stands four feet tall

Her hair frames her body like a cloak of brown

That reaches her thighs

Skin as white as a sheet

Eyes dull and faded

She sways as she stands on the sticks

That were once strong, reliable legs

She holds onto the tall metal rod for support

Her small chance of life dangles ominously

From a clear bag of liquid that trickles down

A tube and into her heart

That fragile heart that still has the strength to smile back at me

The heart that belongs to the barely seven-year-old child who doesn’t know

The future at risk of non-existence

She is brave

Because she is ignorant

I wouldn’t tell her if I could

~

My reflection is tall again

And my eyes linger a little longer

On the memory

Before it tumbles carelessly

From my mind

And my reflection leaves the mirror