If they invented planes yesterday, nobody would even think about hopping on one of those things. Oh? You mean to tell me that you're going to pack a bunch of people into a hallway box with really loud fans and then fly that box through the sky over 150 miles per hour? I'd tell you that I'll only do it if there's a steak dinner in the box, to which you would reply that there would be pretzels instead.

Sorry, but the only reason anybody even dares to step on a plane is because people have done it before us. The classic “well you first" game we used to play as kids when you used to eat bugs at the playground is now the reason you justify going faster than you've ever gone, miles and miles above earth. Even birds must look up at planes and think, “Dude, that would be so crazy to do."

Summer is here and some of us are going to need to fly out of town. Now I'm not saying flying is the worst mode of transportation ever. Trust me, I played a lot of Oregon Trail in 4th grade. All I'm trying to say is that flying is a pretty bad way to travel if you're like me and have the following fears: acrophobia (fear of heights), ochophobia (fear of vehicles), nosophobia (fear of getting sick), bromidrosiphobia (fear of body smells), melmintholhobia (fear of being eaten by worms), nephophobia (fear of being right next to clouds) or worst of all, genuphobia (fear of people's knees -- not to be confused with Genophobia, which is a fear of people's chins).

Flying to and from Colorado specifically is a little scary in itself. I'm no meteorologist, but something about soaring over the second largest mountain range on the planet can make your flight kind of a bumpy ride. In other places in the United States, this bumpy sensation is referred to as “turbulence." Over Colorado, it's more like an end of the world party. Non-believers are now pulling out rosaries and begging different gods to save them. Parents are grabbing their slightly chubby kids so tight that their cheeks ooze out of Mama's arms like a bunch of mud from Shrek's swamp. People who never knew each other before take off are now stripping down and jumping on each other in a last ditch effort for love before death!

Then, it stops. The captain will go on the PA and apologize for the turbulence, which is always weird because before he apologized I assumed this all had something to do with weather. Now that the captain is claiming some responsibility, I can only assume what twisted games they are playing to get us spooked. He'll then tell you that you will be landing shortly, where you will be forced to become a person again after you just abandoned all hope and humanity like you just survived Lord of the Flies.

Even though this may sound like The Hunger Games, you can forget about running into Jennifer Lawrence in this battle for survival. Actually, you'll be lucky if you can run into anybody. CBS Denver seems to agree. During a flight from Denver circa 2014 AD, it was reported that "a flight attendant was knocked to the floor after being thrown toward the ceiling." No, this is not the WWE, and unless undisputed UFC champion Ronda Rousey is defending her bantamweight title in the Octagon, we should have a scarce amount of people being thrown at the floor. Before I flew over Colorado I never put on my seatbelt. I know there is a sign specifically telling you to do it, but I always figured that if someone opened the hatch in the middle of a flight my seatbelt would only keep me attached to the chair that was being sucked through the sky. I wasn't wrong, but I also never imagined flying would be like being a penny in some kids piggy bank while he shakes it to show off to his mom how much money he earned at the lemonade stand.

I think the part of flying that gives me the most anxiety is taking part in the random stranger lottery to find out who I'll be sitting with. I don't have a fear of strangers per se. If you noticed, I didn't include xenophobia (the fear of strangers or foreigners) in my list of fears. But sometimes planes bring out the worst in human beings. For instance, babies are the representatives of the “cute community." There is nothing on this planet I find more adorable than a laughing baby. But all you have to do is throw a baby on a plane (don't literally throw the infant) and everything goes south. One minute you have Jack Jack from The Incredibles, the next you have -- well, the evil Jack Jack from The Incredibles. Crying babies specifically sound different on planes. That wretched shriek that bares a shocking resemblance to an exorcism is only as gut wrenching as the blank stares on the surrounding people's faces in their inability to do anything about it.

Old ladies are the same way. They are just so darn friendly on the ground. They are one of the few demographics who can ask for help crossing the street without me looking at them in bizarre confusion. But once you're in the sky, you get an overdose of bar mitzvah pictures and stories about her dog who doesn't seem to walk right ever since it jumped off the gutter of her house. Before how you ask how it got up there, she'll tell you that too –- in detail. Bottom line, flying is all about the buddy system.

"But Donny, if you think flying is so bad and boring and dangerous, then why don't you stop flying?"

I don't know why I put that question in quotes. I can honestly say nobody has every asked me that. But the reason I fly is because it's freaking amazing. Could you imagine being an ancient Egyptian, just drawing birds on pyramids and whatnot, and all of the sudden you saw a plane? You would lose your mind at this sorcery! So how is it we ruined the art of flight with cardboard food meals, cramped space, and Two and a Half Men reruns? All I know is when it comes to planes, I don't have neophobia (fear of new things or change).