I think this week is a perfect week to write about my mother. Her and I have always had a healthy relationship. Until I moved out and got a boyfriend. Now we are like water and oil, and I would like to take this opportunity to write a letter to her.
Dearest Mother,
I want you to understand that the time in your life is the time that every mother hates and dreads. Your kids are both grown up and living their own lives. I am in a happy and healthy relationship, and although you don't like Dylan for whatever reason. He makes me happier than I have ever been. I didn't tell you that you were wrong when you decided to move across the country, as you were talking about doing while I was still living in Saranac.
I knew you weren't going to be there much longer, so I moved on. I don't want to fight with you, but it's so hard to not fight when every time we have a conversation you find a flaw in what I'm doing. Please stop throwing my father in my face. Every time we turn around you're throwing the past in my face. I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to hear how he was barely around when I was little anymore. I am not little anymore, and my father has been there emotionally and financially when I needed him, while you are not up here. I am not living in the past anymore and you should not either. Can we please focus on the more positive things?
I went back to school, which you didn't thing I was going to do. I am not pregnant, as you told me I would be. I am working so hard, at my job and school. I want to make you proud. I am sorry I don't text every day. I'm sorry I don't call every day. I can't apologize enough. And I wish I could make up for how I've made you feel. I just want to make you proud of me. That's all. And I'm sorry that I stay busy so I can make you proud of me. Please please understand. Stop being mad at me every time we talk, and I promise I will calm down. I promise I'll call and text more. I just can't be arguing all the time anymore. It takes too much of a toll on me. I love you, I do know how hard you worked so I could have the very best life I could have. And I did. I never went without anything. I had everything a little girl could want and more. Because of you I got to see the world. Go to many cool places and have so many memories I will never forget. I always had the nicest of clothes and shoes. Always had every toy I asked for. I will never ever forget that. I just don't think you notice your hostility towards me sometimes. I notice it. It's like you're trying to tell me I'm wrong subtly. It makes me so upset.
I am not wrong. I am doing everything I should be doing. And I'm doing a damn good job. This is all something I learned from you. You are the most hardworking person I know. You are the most strong person I know. And that's what I'm modeling myself after. I want my kids to have every toy and the nicest clothes. I want our relationship to be normal again. And it will take adjusting by both you and me, but I am willing to try if you are.
Love always,
Carlee
