I recently moved from La Crosse, a small college town, to the Twin Cities. I've been here about two weeks, and I've been adjusting well. Something has been bothering me lately. When I told people I was moving to Minneapolis, I got a lot of mixed reactions. A lot of them were positive and excited for me. However, a lot of people gave me warnings:
"Oh you're moving to the big city? Be careful!"
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"Never walk alone, especially at night."
"Don't carry more than $20 on you."
"People will follow you if you're not careful."
"Don't go on blind dates."
Please stop telling me to be careful. I am always careful.
I am a small woman with limited self-defense skills. I know everything that I am supposed to do. Carry your keys at night in case someone tried to attack you, have 911 pre-dialed on your phone, don't dawdle, don't make eye contact with anyone, have pepper spray in your purse, wear modest clothes so as not to tempt cat-callers, tell at least three people where you are going.
Because I'm a woman, I live in a constant state of fear.
Whenever I leave my apartment, I wonder if I'll return a victim of theft or sexual assault. I wonder if the man who catcalled me on the street will follow me home and try to bust into my apartment. I wonder if the person I ask for directions will try to steal my purse.
I'm as careful and cautious as I can be.
But telling me to "be careful" isn't helpful or constructive. It's just white noise. It's implying that I'm careless or seeking danger for living in a big city. Telling me a thousand different ways to protect myself from possible predators is stressful and frustrating.
I understand why you're telling me to be careful. You don't want me to get hurt. I get that. I've been a victim of catcalling and have been followed and harassed even when walking out in broad daylight on a Sunday afternoon.
As good as your intentions may be, I don't need a reminder to be careful. It's a reflex to triple check my lock at night. It's a natural instinct to hold my purse tighter when a person sits next to me on the bus, or to cross the street in order to avoid a group of men.
If I'm not careful I might end up dead.
I cannot live my best life when I am always terrified. It's not constructive. I can't be the person that I am or accomplish my goals if I am always scared of the men I see on the street. My fear doesn't change the way a person chooses to interact with me.
When street harassment happens to me, all I can do is remind myself that I am not an object. I am not a canvas for men to project their fantasies upon. I am not taking up too much space or existing solely for a man's entertainment.
All I can do is stick up for myself and for the other women around me. But until my society changes into one that protects me, I will still be careful.
