We take courses, read books, attend conferences, practice in front of a mirror and more to become powerful speakers- especially in America. But we often underestimate the importance of being a good listener. Most of the time the problem starts when you know how to speak well, but don’t know how to listen at all. This combination does not only make you a bad listener, but also gives you the titles like arrogant, insensitive, obnoxious, etc.

On the other hand, when you claim yourself to be a great listener, do you really know what it means or are you mixing up one of your skills with the listening skill?

The Manager

When we are listening, we tend to combine it with other tasks. However, listening is a serious job, and you need to give your full attention to it. You can’t be texting, hustling around, watching TV, or reading and saying that “I am listening.” Speakers feel a lot more comfortable when they have eye contacts with the listener. Moreover, they look for body signs like head shakes, eyebrow lifts, smiles and occasional confirmations like “yes, I see, I got you.” So, drop other things and focus on the other person when it’s time to talk.

You are multitasking, not listening if:

-The speaker is repeating the same sentence more than once.

-You are jumping one subject to another or asking for help with your task while the speaker is still talking.

-He/she is giving up to tell you the whole story and saying “I don’t know, it’s ok, never mind.”

Under Psychology: People who have busy life styles tend to be these type of listeners. It is because they had to learn how to multitask to be able to finish everything on time. Naturally they tend to believe they can do other chores while listening to you to manage their time efficiently.

The Judge

When we are listening to someone, our brains start connecting the dots, and we start making conclusions, thinking we understand the topic. However, most of the time we make our “own” stories in our minds and fail to understand what the other person was trying to convey. Therefore, the speaker gets disappointed for not being understood by you or worse, he/she may feel you are judgmental. This can create a serious problem, especially when the situation is serious or the speaker is frustrated. So, start from accepting, you may not “know it all.”

You are judging, not listening if:

-Your eyes are fixed on one spot and you are still while listening.

-You fail to answer when a question is asked, or you answer to the question in your mind.

-The speaker is frequently asking “do you know what I mean?”

-You are quick and confident on your conclusions.

Under Psychology: People become these type of listeners if they grew up or lived in an environment where they were pushed to read between lines regularly and make their own stories to understand what is going on. Naturally, their communication and listening skills may not be as good as they think while they believe otherwise.

The Doctor

When people say "I am a good listener", most of the time they mean I am a good “problem solver.” However, good listening doesn’t necessarily mean listening to find solutions. This can create a problem, especially between couples where one of the partners want to open up just because he/she needs someone to talk to without asking for help. So, stop gathering information and reading symptoms to find a cure.

You are problem- solving, not listening if:

-You are automatically responding to speaker's every sentence in your mind.

-You are (not) waiting for your turn to speak impatiently.

-You are shaking your head more than you should and keep saying “uh-huh” in the middle of the sentences.

-You are looking at the floor instead of looking at the speaker's face.

-You are yawning when the speaker speaks slower than you want.

Under Psychology: People who have been “the” supporter of their families, friends and colleagues tend to be the problem-solving listener. It’s because they have listened to someone to find a solution throughout their lives.

In conclusion, if you want to be a good listener, be present, stop the little voice in your head who is making stories, be patient and confirm that you understand using your body language as well as your words and watch the speaker's body language and words. With the information you received, ask questions on the parts you did not understand, ask questions about the speaker’s feelings/thoughts on the subject and make your conclusion. After all these, help/support/give your opinion if you are asked to.

The fact is, when someone starts talking to you, you are (un)intentionally given a key to the speaker’s world. Now, imagine what kind of power you would be possessing in your personal and professional life if you are an affluent key holder.