Depression comes with a long list of side effects. You experience weight loss or gain, uncontrollable sadness, fatigue, lack of motivation, feeling physically sick, and so many more. However, one of the most awful side effects is that people leave you.
Yes, people will walk straight out of your life because of your depression. Saying things like "it's just too much", "you're never happy", "you don't listen to anyone's advice", "are you even trying to get better?" Telling me these things is like telling someone with cancer "you're sick all the time so I'm just gonna leave until you try to get better" or "the cancer with go away if you just stop thinking about it". Excuse my language, but everyone would call that bullsh*t. So tell me, why is it ok for people to do that to those who have mental illnesses?
It has been proven that there is an actual PHYSICAL difference between a healthy brain and a brain suffering from from depression. Yet, people leave you because "you should just be happy." As to tell me that my physical illness that takes place in my brain is any less than another illness. My brain is an organ that has issues, so why would you leave me for something I can't control anymore than a patient with cancer.
Depression costs so many friendships and relationships. Many times girls get branded as "psycho" when they simply can't control their seratonin output. Like a diabetic can't produce insulin, so they take medication to make up for that. It would be inhumane to say "they don't need it, they should just stop thinking about it an try harder." The person who would say such a thing would be called crazy and cruel. So why is it ok for people to say the EXACT same thing to me? My brain is sick. I can't help that.
I beg people to remain in my life and cry saying "I'll do better." Very well knowing that it's not that simple. I feed into the idea that I'm like this because I'm not trying. When I've been in therapy for 9 years and can remember the feelings of depression when I was 4 years old. I can remember when I was that young, crawling in bed with my mom and saying "mommy my heart feels lonely." I felt this overwhelming emptiness that I didn't understand. I STILL feel that "lonely heart" on a daily basis. Yet, trying to make people understand that I've been trying for so long, is about as effective as breaking a brick wall with jello.
People yell at me that I'm not trying because they think I'll be better in matter of days if I just listened to them. Yes, because after 9 years of professional counseling, your unprofessional advice is going to cure me. You say I'm not trying when I hear every word you say. I try to apply your advice, but it takes so long to get it. If I don't magically get better in what you think is the "appropriate amount of time", you convince yourself that I'm just being stubborn.
Tell me. Do you have it in your mind that I'm ok being like this? That I'm wanting to be depressed? That even after all the fatigue, headaches, lack of motivation, and excuses on days I literally cannot get out of bed, that for some reason I'm content being depressed. What you don't see is the nights I curse my own name because "why can't you just be better?!" Your words feed the negative talk and self hate that I WISH I was better.
Yet, people still leave. They expect you to listen to them and just get better, but fail to understand how you feel. These people that leave don't care much as they may act. I know I'm a lot to handle. Anyone who suffers from depression is well aware that we are A LOT to handle. That doesn't mean we want to be alone because we are sad. We've lost love and friends because of our inner war, but we keep believing people will stay.
I know I annoy the crap out of people because I don't walk away no matter how many times I've been hurt. I don't leave people because I know how it feels to be given up on. I don't give up on people even when everyone around me tells me I should. I have been the person constantly being left behind and abandoned. I will not allow someone to feel that pain. I know I can be messy. I know I can be difficult, but please... please don't leave me.
