A few days ago, I was sitting on my friend’s bed, reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s essay (which was originally a Ted Talk) "Why We Should All Be Feminists" out loud to her and the guy who is now officially her boyfriend.
Reading and talking about feminism and the issues facing women is just the sort of conversation that my friends and I find ourselves having frequently these days. I was on page 36 of the 48-page essay when my friend’s boyfriend came to the room. We all talked about our days, and he told us that during one of his classes someone had called him sexist. He asked if he could explain the situation so he could hear our opinions and get our advice.
Guy 1, as I’ll now call him, explained that in his class discussion about individual experiences while reading "To The Lighthouse" by Virginia Woolf, he said that the novel had a distinct feminist voice that he appreciated, but that he had to work harder to understand while reading because he wasn’t a woman. That comment got him branded sexist by a classmate.
We thanked him for being willing to talk about the incident and being open to the possibility that he had done something wrong. As I told him then, I don’t believe his statement was sexist. I believe that we live in a sexist society that has raised guys to have a limited understanding of female experiences, and because of that, when they hear or read something written by a woman and/or feminist, they can’t always grasp it immediately. I understand the feelings and reasoning behind the girl who called Guy 1 sexist because it is upsetting and unfair that not everyone can totally understand the experiences and challenges that women face. I’m not trying to let Guy 1 off too easily, but isn’t it better that he admitted the disparity and sought ways to discuss and fix it?
I feel strongly that it’s much better to seek to develop a feminist attitude than ignore the problem or, possibly worse, say you want to change but instead do nothing. A friend of mine, Guy 2, demonstrated this to me. He told me that he respected my radical feminism, but that he didn't view the contemporary patriarchal system the way that I did and didn't think it needed to be destroyed. He ended by telling me that I was, of course, entitled to my opinion.
Equality is not a radical idea, and that's not just my opinion. I am not radical for wishing that and working towards making our world one in which women are treated the same as men.
When I tried to continue our conversation, thinking that perhaps he might want to understand more deeply, he continued to resist the possibility that he should consider what I had to say. Pretending that an issue doesn’t exist (or isn’t as bad as everyone thinks it is) is not the way to make a better, more equal world.
Guy 1 listened to me start "We Should All Be Feminists" over again from page one. Afterwards, the four of us continued our conversation and talked about the strengths of the essay and areas we would have approached differently. It shouldn’t be so surprising, but two girls and one guy had a positive and productive conversation about feminism. The purpose of this article is not to show that there are only two distinct ways that college guys handle feminism today, for that is certainly not true. These guys represent a portion of how our society handles feminism. There is a wide spectrum of people’s understanding of feminism because unfortunately, it’s never as simple as someone believing that women should have social, political and economic rights equal to men’s and acting in a manner that upholds that belief.
Guy 1’s interactions with feminism should be the baseline. Certainly, his understanding of feminism isn’t perfect, and therefore, neither are his actions sometimes, but he wants to understand. He wants to be more aware of his behaviors and make more deliberate, thoughtful decisions.
Men are often too afraid or ashamed to say, “I don’t completely understand feminism. I believe in equal rights, but sometimes I’m not sure if I’m acting like/being a true feminist. Can you help me?” They either distance themselves completely from the word feminist or assertively declare that they are feminists and that if you’re not happy with their behavior it’s because you’re a different kind of feminist — you’re radical or different. Basically, they are not the problem — you, the girl, are.
This kind of thinking is so dangerous. It damages both men and women. As Adichie says, “But by far the worst thing we do to males — by making them feel they have to be hard — is that we leave them with very fragile egos. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is. And then we do a greater disservice to girls, because we raise them to cater to the fragile egos of males. We teach them to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller…”
So this is my plea to college guys — and the rest of the world, really: it’s okay to try. Don’t be afraid that a Crazy, Man-Hating Feminist is going to yell at you because you are not A Perfect Feminist. Acknowledge that maybe despite your best intentions, pretending that you are A Perfect Feminist is doing everyone more harm than good. If you want to be A Perfect Feminist, unfortunately, I don’t think that’s possible for anyone, myself included…but you can still try. You can strike up a conversation with someone about condescending chivalry. When discussing something with a girl, speak to her as you would speak to any human being and be wary of mansplaining. Talk to your other male friends about interactions with girls where they were offended by something you said or did, and instead of talking about girls as Crazy, Man-Hating Feminists. Have a constructive conversation with your pals about what you may have done wrong and how you can be more aware of yourself and not make the same mistakes again.
It’s okay to be a feminist, and it’s okay if you aren’t one entirely right now as long as you have the desire and commitment to try your very best to become a true feminist, for Adichie is right: we should all be feminists.
