It is now July. The presidential elections are scheduled for November 8th. That means we have a little over four months to elect someone who can really run this country — someone we know and love, someone who has never let us down. That’s right: pizza.
Pizza understands us. It’s there for the nights that you have to feed 20 people in 30 minutes, when your friends want a low-key evening in, or when you’re home alone watching "Predator" and need a comforting food with you. Here and now, politics are messy and complicated. So I nominate Pizza as the next candidate.
Why? Glad you asked.
1. Pizza does not discriminate against toppings.
Some people put weird stuff on their pizza, but it’s all for the love of your tastebuds. Pizza, which is a mostly cheese- and pepperoni-dominated food, accepts all toppings because pizza is a truly versatile food. Pineapple that no longer wants to remain in a fruit salad can come to pizza to find a home in the Hawaiian style. Even foods that many shy away from out of fear, like eggplant and salmon, can be accepted as delicious atop a perfectly baked pie.
2. Pizza is resilient in any climate.
Pizza comes to your door hot, with melty delicious cheese and steaming crust. It’s beautiful. But it’s difficult to eat that much pizza in one sitting, so its climate must change. It’s put in the refrigerator. That’s a big change that will change the fundamental elements of pizza, but pizza is resilient. Fresh, reheated, or refrigerated, pizza always thrives.
3. Pizza keeps its promises.
When you order a pizza online and you choose thin crust, you’re going to get thin crust. When you order double cheese, twice as much comes on your pizza. When you ask, pizza listens, and pizza takes action. If, for some reason, pizza fails to keep its word, it always gets back up again, and the next slice is usually free.
4. Pizza has no conflict with others.
Pizza is not the only food in the world. There are many great foods like hot dogs and hamburgers that meet pizza as equals in the foods race. Pizza, being the strong, respectful food that it is, does not seek conflict with these other foods. Pizza’s priority is alliance with a diverse group of food types, like garlic bread and cinnamon sticks, which only make it stronger.
So while you’re watching debates and choosing your party in the next few months, remember: politics will never be as good as pepperoni.
