It's time to talk about something that isn't covered nearly enough. In wake of California and other states now making it illegal to take off a condom in the middle of sexual intercourse without your partner knowing, I'd like to share my experience. Let my just start by saying that removing a condom in the middle of sex without your partner knowing is rape. The person you are sleeping with has consented to having sex under the circumstances that you are wearing a condom at all times.

Back in late October of early 2016 I had met a guy on the gay dating app Grindr. While this app is mainly known for being used for other things, it is still just that, a dating app. I had met a guy on Grindr who happened to be in my area, and we had been talking for awhile. He was in the area for a speech competition but lived two and a half hours from me in North Eastern Wisconsin. At one point we planned to spend a couple days together and go out. He had arranged lunch/dinner plans for Sunday and depending on the time he got off work, possibly even dinner on Saturday evening.

He had informed me that he wanted to take things slow because of his previous relationship, but things were far from slow. I showed up late Saturday and picked him up from work. We drove around the block to his apartment and proceeded to enter his apartment. I met his roommate and a couple friends of his. We all sat around and talked for awhile. After his roommates left the tone of the night changed. He began to get pretty comfortable for someone who wanted to take things slow. For a guy who is 5'3" and only 120 pounds, I didn't know how to say "no." I was only 17 at the time, and he was 22. He also was 5'10" and 185 pounds, considerably larger than me.

At one point, he carried me to his bedroom, and I remember my heart pounding. This wasn't slow. This was not what I agreed to. This was not dinner and conversing about our college majors over a cup of coffee. This was not us discussing our work in nonprofits and our advocacy for the LGBT community, POC, and women. This was not what I had signed up for, but I did not say "no." I didn't stick up for myself. I will always feel like a piece of shit because of that. I had all of the power to stand up for myself and get out of there, but I didn't. I'm a man right? Society says I should be able to defend myself off from predators and attackers. I should just be able to fight him off if need be. Right? Wrong. What many people don't realize is that some surveys will show that queer youth will be more likely to experience sexual assault compared to their female counterparts. This number is still relatively high for both groups.

I remember him reaching down to grab a condom and opening it. At least he was sticking to the safe sex talk he had originally talked about. HIV has been on the rise in the gay community and we both had agreed protection was a necessity for whoever you slept with.

So there I was, laying there as we had sex that I clearly did not want. At times I asked him several times to slow down and at one point even told him "I can't do this," but he just asked me to switch to a different position. "Ride it," were the words I remember him saying. And then it happened, I ejaculated. I felt so absolutely disgusting. How could this have happened? I repeated that to myself over and over again until just a few days ago. I came across a report by rape victims who also had orgasms in the middle of being raped. Some of these victims were forcibly raped. While I don't say what happened to me was forceful it helped me knowing I wasn't the only one this had happened to. I didn't want this. I didn't want to have sex with him, but I had an orgasm which made him think what he was doing was okay. I wanted to shower afterwards as I felt so horribly disgusting. By now, it was at least 2 or 3 in the morning and I was hours from my home. I stayed the night.

I woke up the next morning to him wanting to have more sex. His room had no windows or lighting, so everything was very dark. I asked if he'd rather grab breakfast; he didn't answer. His fingers were already being pressed inside of me. This time around was even more creepy than the first. He started, I laid there holding back tears telling myself it was all just a misunderstanding. Telling myself that he wasn't being forceful so this couldn't possibly be classified as rape. He wasn't holding me down or strangling me or tying me up or anything like we see in movies or TV. I just kept telling myself it was all a misunderstanding and that it was my fault. At anytime I could stop I told myself, but I didn't.

Then he finished, inside of me. That's when i found out he wasn't wearing a condom. I became furious. I was livid. I was disgusted. I didn't say anything at first and he went to the bathroom. A minute later he reappeared and told me he had several papers to type and then was going to go out with friends, so he didn't have time for lunch or dinner. His next words were, "Just make sure you lock the down on your way out."

I messaged him right after leaving asking why he thought it was okay to wear a condom the previous night, but not this morning. He then admitted to never even actually putting the condom on. He opened the package and made it seem like he had put it on but took it off before he had even started. He just decided not to bother with one that morning because "You didn't say anything the night before. I told you I had condoms so you could have asked. Consent and communication are important when it comes to things like these." I was so disgusted. We had clearly talked about the importance of safe sex, and I clearly did not agree to having sex that morning. I agreed to breakfast. I didn't even get to answer his question about sex, and he clearly ignored my question about breakfast. Knowing that he faked a condom, I was now certain that this was rape. This was no longer a situation of miscommunication, but a man's selfish intent to manipulate someone for his own sexual gain. I told him what he did was not okay and that it clearly was a form of rape. His reply was to simply call me crazy and then block my number.

I drove home and talked to my cousin Caroline about the incident. She asked me if I classifying it as rape, and I told her I didn't know. I truthfully didn't. It felt like I was, but I didn't say "no" or do everything I could to stop him. At the time of the situation, my head was clouded, jaded if you would. I didn't even consent to sex, let alone bareback sex. I was in this spot where I was absolutely confused and jaded. I couldn't tell my mom or a counselor because this was just some dude I met online. What would my mom say? People would judge me, and I certainly didn't want to get the police involved when I was still in high school.

Today, I openly talk about this incident with people, and I do classify it was rape. If you have to fake putting a condom on, you know you are being sneaky and deceitful to the person you are sleeping. Any form of deceit during sex IS rape. A few days after this had happened, I came across an article written by my rapist. The article was written in June and told the story of when he was raped while intoxicated as a freshman in college. One line stuck with me from this article written by him and it was: "Those I told that knew him said he wouldn't do that, that I misread the situation. That he's too good of a guy. Well it happens, we all make choices in this life, that's part of being human, but small one-off choices don't excuse your actions. You don't get a one-time free rape pass. That's not the way this works. You can't just choose to ignore the bad parts of someone. These choices we make may have life-long repercussions. In the same way that overdosing may kill on the first usage of an illicit substance, a bad choice may end your life."

He does not get a one-time free rape pass either. Just like most rapists, he will deny his actions, but they were very evident. He was for one trying to be sneaky about his actions, and I did not consent. I was raped. That is it; there's no other way to describe it. If a person does not verbally say yes or consent to sex, then do not proceed to have sex with them. No matter how much I would like to believe he is a good guy because of his work in the nonprofit field and advocacy for sexual assault victims, he still did take advantage of me. He used me, and I did not consent to this.

For someone with a good heart, this was my first big lesson when it came to dating in the gay community. People will lie about who they are. This actually is an issue in all dating communities, but seems much more rampant in the gay community with the large variety of hookup apps. These apps also provide no legitimacy of who you are actually seeing, and they often provide fake names or nicknames. He had seemed like a nice guy, and all of his friends said he was a good guy too. He was in the top of his class and student body President for his college. He was going to get his P.H.D. and was extremely intelligent.

Maybe that was why it was so easy for him to deceive me, because he did have such good reputation. The truth of the matter is, I'll never know. They often say that those who are abused become abusers. Is the same for those who are raped? Do they become rapists? No, the statics are very different when it comes to rape and those who are raped. They don't become rapists, and there is never an excuse to rape someone. Again, you don't get a "one time rape free pass."

Since all of this has happened, I am now moving on and continuing my life. I now openly talk about my situation in attempts to help others recover from their own experiences or to help educate queer youth on rape. Now, it's time for me to become an advocate for those who have been sexually assaulted. I have the tools to give solid advice to those in need, and so can you. We all need to educate ourselves on this things, especially the many forms of deceitful sexual assault. Even sleeping with someone who says they have no STDs, but then has some is being deceitful, and that is rape.

If you ever need help please find me. Get my contact information and talk to me. I am here, I am going to listen to you, and I believe you. You are not in the wrong. For the longest time, I tried to justify his actions, and I'm sure you have done the same for your rapists as well. This needs to stop. He or she did a horrible act to you and there is never an excuse for it, regardless if it is forceful, deceitful, or when you are under the influence. All of it is the same. All of it is rape. All of it falls under not consenting, and to have sex without rape, both parties must fully consent and be capable of fully consenting.

If you need any other resources, here are some articles you can turn to:

Stealthing: Man Explains Why He Takes His Condom Off During Sex -http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/s...

It's On Us - www.itsonus.org

Start By Believing - http://www.startbybelieving.org/

Surviving in Numbers -https://survivinginnumbers.org/about/

National Alliance to End Sexual Violence - http://endsexualviolence.org/

No More- http://nomore.org/take-action/

Can I Kiss You?- http://www.canikissyou.com/index.html

One in Four (national rape prevention peer- http://www.oneinfourusa.org/