I have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of attachment. I, all too willingly, push people away and build up walls, fortresses. I try my hardest to avoid any situation that could end up hurting me. To put it simply, I push people away in order to avoid the possibility of getting attached to them, which would indubitably lead to commitment and the ability for that person, who I just gave my heart to, to end up ripping it out in the end. I suppose, in a twisted, maniacal way, however, I always end up being the one to hurt myself anyway by cutting off all forms of attachment that I ultimately do develop and become accustomed to. It’s just what I do. I don’t understand it and I honestly don’t think I ever will. Why is it so hard for me to let someone in? Why do I have a complete freak out moment when I think I’m getting close to someone? Why is it so impossible to fathom that someone could actually like me? I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m terrified of getting hurt. It’s easier to just shrug everything off and nip it in the butt before it becomes anything too intense. I run away when things get serious. I run and I don’t look back.

So, to this, I bring up the question – is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?

For the greater portion of my life, I fancied the latter. It’s easier to detach yourself from things that you know you will lose in the future, be that near or far. I should use the word “know” lightly. As beings of free will, I suppose we never fully “know” we will lose something. Ironically, the more we try to hold on to something for fear of losing it to the unknown, the more distance we unknowingly add. At the same time, the moment your fear gets the best of you and you let go of that hold, more distance is added as well. It has always been a lose-lose situation.

A recent turn of events has made me seriously rethink my beliefs. Maybe, just maybe, I’m simply taking the easy route. Is it though? No, I have never had a true, “cry until you puke” heartbreak before. But am I doing the right thing by protecting my heart from all that can be thrown at it–good and bad? Or is the loneliness that I’ve created causing more pain? I’m starting to think I’m wrong. I have missed out on so many memories. Memories that would probably outweigh the bad, twofold. I know this. I can write it, read it, repeat it over and over but somehow my brain hasn’t yet been able to comprehend.

That’s the issue–I’ve gotten so good at running away, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop.

2017 is going to be the year of saying one simple word–yes. I’m going to say “yes” to everything under the sun (that is reasonable). I’m going to open myself to new opportunities. Opportunities that will leave my insides squirming to run away to a safe spot. I need to stop hiding from everything and learn to live. I need to stop hurting other people by my inability to commit, and most importantly stop hurting myself by not allowing myself to create the memories that could last a lifetime.

I’m just going to say yes.