How many times have you heard the phrase, “Don’t even worry about his new girlfriend, he TOTALLY downgraded” or “Don’t worry about his ex--he definitely upgraded with you”? The intent behind these words is probably to be comforting to a friend, and not intended to be cruel. But “comforting” a friend like this has so many harmful implications.

First off, the biggest problem with these statements is that they are usually said about looks, not personality. Telling your friend she shouldn’t worry that her ex-boyfriend is dating someone and she’s still single because he “downgraded” is harmful to all women. It’s reinforcing for you and your friend that what’s important about a woman is her appearance, not what’s inside. As women, shouldn’t we want to push past that stereotype and move on to accepting all women for more than what they look like?

Even if the statement is being said for a different reason than looks, it’s still horrible. Nine times out of ten, the person saying it doesn’t even KNOW the woman they’re talking about. Tearing down other women, for looks or anything else, is not cool. At all. Who are you really angry with? This new girl who doesn’t know you, doesn’t mean any harm towards you, and just likes a boy--just like you did? Or the boy that broke your heart? It’s easy to shift the blame on someone it’s easier to bully, but really, there’s no point.

Let’s say you think your friend’s ex “downgraded” because your friend used to treat her ex-boyfriend really nicely, and this new girlfriend is controlling and rude to him. Then say that. Say, “You shouldn’t be jealous ____ has a new girlfriend, she’s super controlling and rude, which you never were.” Preferably that sentence wouldn’t be said at all because their relationship isn’t your business, but let’s be honest, being in other people’s business happens. At least when it's said this way it's clear and doesn't drag down other women for no purpose, because your reason is clear.

All in all, quit saying “downgraded” or “upgraded”. It’s cruel and mean-spirited, not to mention it makes everyone uncomfortable, most of all the exact women you are trying to comfort. Let's stop making it cool to dislike other women for no reason and act like they're competition, when we could just treat other women how we treat our own besties, and all be much happier.