We all know that philosophers throughout time have proven to contribute much to civilization and culture, but what do their philosophies truly represent if they were summarized in a mere blurb? Here are some of the most famous philosophers throughout history with what their life’s work amounted to, compiled in one sentence (in the spirit of humoristic existentialism).

Socrates: Maybe if I didn’t ask “why?” all the time like an annoying little kid, I wouldn’t have to drink the hemlock.

Plato: Democracy sucks and why won’t Socrates notice me?

Sun Tau: You must have discipline and self-control in order to mercilessly slaughter your enemies.

Aristotle: Yes, philosophy is supposed to be this boring and confusing.

Confucius: Just go with the flow, and try not to worry about the government going to Hell.

Seneca: Just because I’m about to be killed by Nero doesn’t mean I should see it as a bad thing.

Augustine of Hippo: God left all of us unfinished on purpose, but he’s still okay, I guess.

Averroes: Good thing radical Islamic activities will end in the future.

Thomas Aquinas: Religion and science can be compatible… Oh wait, maybe not.

Niccolo Machiavelli: You can be the cruelest, merciless, cold-hearted person that’s ever lived so long as you get things done.

John Calvin: God already has plans for you, so good luck.

Rene Descartes: Nothing but you exists, and it’s all God’s fault.

Thomas Hobbes: People are terrible therefore government is necessary.

John Locke/Jean-Jacques Rousseau: Government is terrible therefore people’s rule is necessary.

Spinoza: God wants you to stop acting as jerks to my fellow Jews.

Leibniz: How am I a philosopher?

David Hume: You can’t be sure that the sun will rise tomorrow.

Mary Wollstonecraft: You only know me because my daughter wrote Frankenstein.

Thomas Malthus: Things would be better if we stopped reproducing like rats.

Adam Smith: I’m the reason why your boss is a jerk.

Hegel: If you can understand me, you’re three quarters there.

Voltaire: The world can be as terrible and horrible as it wants, but suck it up; it’s the best we got.

Immanuel Kant: Live your life as how you want to… So long as it’s dictated by what is morally right, but live your life.

Soren Kierkegaard: If you feel bad: pray. If that doesn’t work: pray harder.

Henry David Thoreau: I stared into a pond, now I feel light-headed.

Karl Marx: At least the millennials listen to me!

John Stuart Mill: Up yours, Kant!

Friedrich Nietzsche: God is dead and we killed him, or rather, my unkempt mustache did.

William James: America is the best, also truth and stuff.

Arthur Schopenhauer: Everything is terrible and I don’t know why.

Franz Kafka: All you need to have to be a good writer are sexual repressions and daddy issues.

Bertrand Russell: I wrote about the rejection of God, mathematics and how to properly screw someone.

Aldous Huxley: Screw this, I’m getting turnt.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: Everything is not based on logic, not even logic itself if you can imagine that.

Martin Heidegger: Live out in nature, to hell with technology.

Albert Camus: Be happy in this terrible world, for the love of God, be happy!

Jean-Paul Sartre: Freedom ain’t all its cracked up to be.

Simone de Beauvoir: We would be okay, if it wasn’t for men.

Hannah Arendt: Be as evil as you want, so long as you’re aware of it.

Ayn Rand: Sharing is socialism.

Michel Foucault: I like my history hard and blunt, and my men chiseled and steamy.

Umberto Eco: Pick up a freakin’ book already!

Noam Chomsky: America and Israel sitting in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G.

Slavoj Zizek: I undermined capitalism, neoliberalism, and cultural subjectivity before it was cool.