I’m a critically cantankerous and curmudgeonly individual. Statler and Waldorf fused together in a single human brain . An old timer stomping around yelling to all you youngsters to “get off my lawn” even though I have no lawn. My fuse is short, and I’m constantly fantasizing channeling my irritation toward the guilty parties that irritated me. It might take the form of invoking some ancient Aztec fire deity and unleashing them upon my victim has crossed my mind. Vaulting across the room to pummel a poor soul with an intricate series of kung-fu fighting maneuvers has also crossed my mind.

Why would I imagine such an aggressive form of revenge or punishment? Did you borrow a movie and not return it? Nay. Have you insulted my family’s honor? Again, nay. What then, might warrant such creative, yet totally non-real, punishments? Since you’ve read this far, I’ll tell you. My would-be victims have been found in violation of one of my pet peeves.

What are my pet peeves? Look no further than below this statement a brief list:

Bad parking

I won't say that I created an instagram dedicated to bad parking jobs, but....

Mouth-open chewers

Seriously, don't be this person.

Classroom seat thieves

Any time of the semester is off limits, but do this near the semester's end and I'll break out in an ancient latin chant, sacrifice a rabbit, and drink its blood as I banish you to the lowest circle of Hell.

Pen thieves

This Liam Neeson meme says all that needs to be said.

"I seen"

It's "I see," "I saw," or "I have seen." Learn 'em, remember 'em, and love 'em. Otherwise you will suffer my wrath (my scowl).

Bad grammar/spelling/punctuation

Yes, I'm one of these people. Guilty as charged. By the way, it's 2017. Grammar Alt-Right, please.

One-dollar-over bidders

Just searching this last image via Google has caused my heart rate to spike. If it happened to me, I would likely be prosecuted for assault charges.

What are some of your pet peeves? Do we share any? Comment below to let me know.