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Pet Peeves: 101

Do of these and you risk an imaginary annihilation

John Anderson Myers

Jan 31, 2017

Eastern Michigan University

Blogspot

I’m a critically cantankerous and curmudgeonly individual. Statler and Waldorf fused together in a single human brain . An old timer stomping around yelling to all you youngsters to “get off my lawn” even though I have no lawn. My fuse is short, and I’m constantly fantasizing channeling my irritation toward the guilty parties that irritated me. It might take the form of invoking some ancient Aztec fire deity and unleashing them upon my victim has crossed my mind. Vaulting across the room to pummel a poor soul with an intricate series of kung-fu fighting maneuvers has also crossed my mind.

Why would I imagine such an aggressive form of revenge or punishment? Did you borrow a movie and not return it? Nay. Have you insulted my family’s honor? Again, nay. What then, might warrant such creative, yet totally non-real, punishments? Since you’ve read this far, I’ll tell you. My would-be victims have been found in violation of one of my pet peeves.

What are my pet peeves? Look no further than below this statement a brief list:

Bad parking

I won't say that I created an instagram dedicated to bad parking jobs, but....

Mouth-open chewers

Seriously, don't be this person.

Classroom seat thieves

Any time of the semester is off limits, but do this near the semester's end and I'll break out in an ancient latin chant, sacrifice a rabbit, and drink its blood as I banish you to the lowest circle of Hell.

Pen thieves

This Liam Neeson meme says all that needs to be said.

"I seen"

It's "I see," "I saw," or "I have seen." Learn 'em, remember 'em, and love 'em. Otherwise you will suffer my wrath (my scowl).

Bad grammar/spelling/punctuation

Yes, I'm one of these people. Guilty as charged. By the way, it's 2017. Grammar Alt-Right, please.

One-dollar-over bidders

Just searching this last image via Google has caused my heart rate to spike. If it happened to me, I would likely be prosecuted for assault charges.

What are some of your pet peeves? Do we share any? Comment below to let me know.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Pet Peeves: 101

Do of these and you risk an imaginary annihilation

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No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

Do you have a small get-together or throw a big bash?

1. Your family and friends ask what you want for your birthday, so you give them a list of options.

2. You're super excited about your birthday the week before.

3. Your family flies in town to celebrate with you.

4. Your siblings wake you up.

5. Your friends are so excited to be with you on your big day.

6. If you work, your office might throw a party for you.

7. For your actual party, you plan a small get-together with close family and friends ...

8. ... or large celebration with everyone you know.

9. You eat the best meal you've had in weeks.

10. You devour the first piece of cake proudly.

11. You embarrass yourself somehow.

12. You get the present you really wanted but thought no one would get you.

13. You are a little sad about getting older.

14. That feeling wears off and you realize how happy you are to have family and friends to celebrate this day with you.

15. The morning after your birthday looks something like this.

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