Everyone’s favorite player from Parks and Rec has some great advice for recent college graduates with little hope of things getting better from here. Whether it’s a half hearted decision to go to a lackluster grad school or a job you hate, you probably wish you could write papers about the negative effects of globalization. Alas, here are five quotes for all of you who don’t see things getting any better anytime soon.

1."When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandmas jewelry and go clubbing."

This is easily some of the best bad advice I’ve ever heard. This is basically the answer to all of life’s questions and will probably be you in like six months.

2. "No, no, that’s too much– too much responsibility for me. I gotta…I gotta find another way out of this."

Don’t lie, you felt this four years ago, so it’s just like eclipsed into a state of being now. It doesn’t get better; one day you’ll have kids.

3. "Technically I’m Homeless (read this in a singing voice)."

I mean, I hope no one ends up homeless, but in many ways you could be technically homeless. Like that roommate at your apartment always has their girl over so now you are stuck bumming places, or your parents basically have made your existence revolve around your childhood room. Also you could be homeless that is a genuine possibility too. *Replace homeless with victim of crippling debt, unemployed, or living below the poverty line among other horrible things.

4. "Your Boy’s a Question on the Bar Exam" (substitute girl if, of course, you are a girl).

It may not be a law you’ve broken, but it could be your economic situation, or some crazy thing you do when you realize things aren’t getting better from here. Don’t worry kids, World War Three will at least give you a paycheck and maybe obliterate the chance of anyone taking a bar exam anytime soon.

5. "I Hope You Brought a Change of Clothes Because Your Eyes are About to Piss Tears."

This is for your parents whenever they come to visit and hope their years of hard work and love paid off. Bad news. It didn’t.