Let me set one thing straight before anybody reads this.
Depression is not a side effect of my disability. Depression is a side effect of all of the drama behind it.
I am not one to usually talk about my struggles, emotionally. Actually, I believe this is my first time actually coming clean with everyone, including myself. I try to be a positive role model to those in the chronic illness category, but here's the elephant in the room that nobody likes to talk about - also including myself.
Every single day it is a battle. I try and make myself seem like a normal-ish adolescent. I work two jobs, I go to school, I hang out with friends, and I eat tons of food. I also cry, break down, and wonder why my life spites me so hard.
I grew up pretty normally, stable to the extent of losing a parent and moving to a new town, but about four years after that is when I started getting sicker. With my mom passing away from a chronic illness she battled for years, this obviously alarmed me. However, she was very tough and fought until her last breath. I try to do the same thing, but it's hard.
I never realized how exhausting it is to make sure I take my medicine at the same time every single day, and to schedule appointment's within my busy life schedule. I never knew how emotionally draining it is when doctors tell you that they have never seen a case as severe as me - with no explanation. I never thought I would be on my sixth surgery being nineteen. When someone said to me "Wow, the female genetics on your family must be slowly weakening." because my Great Grandmother lived to 100, then my Nana just passed away at 70, my mother at 38, and who's left? I am. At nineteen and already battling some heavy health issues.
That is a lot to take in.
With that being said, I try and not let depression control my life. I cope, and deal.
I am extremely grateful for my support system, no need to say any names because they know who they are. I appreciate everything my Care Manager has done for me, and all six doctors in my team. I am grateful for the 19 years my Nana raised me from the ground up, alongside my father.
I am not saying life is perfect, but I am saying there is sunshine behind the clouds even when it seems dark. Depression is a tough topic, and there have been days when I have said openly I am done getting treated just let me suffer and end this illness on my own times. 2016 has been the worst year of my life, but it has caused the most reflection in my life.
Although I have experienced so much loss this year, I have gained so much more than anyone could recognize. I learned I can grasp my emotions, and take charge. I figured out who was really there for me, with their best intentions. I also figured out I am stronger than my body may look, for better or worse. Maybe I'm just as stubborn as I am on the outside, on the inside as well.
