Throughout the course of my educational journey, I have discovered some things about myself that have impacted the way I view the world. Recently, I have given some thought to these things and a few sources of information in particular. It is fairly obvious that most of my thinking and writing up to this point have been just an accumulation of influences, which ultimately make up my perception of ideas.

What isn’t obvious are the tensions between what my gender says about my writing and my own personal account of my writing. In order to examine myself, I will have to match my own writings to reliable sources to discern the truth. This should restrict me from becoming subjective in my own examination, thus revealing the truth about my writing. It is worth considering how I think I write and how I actually write — according to the influences of my environment. My goal is to step out of this frame of which my writing is confined, examine myself, and come to a better understanding of what has influenced my writing and thinking.

I like to think that I write in a sophisticated and informed manner, in relation to a subject. L. Tobin points out that most male personal narratives often deal with the mastery of an experience, “emphasizing separation rather than integration." One paradox begins to form — at first, I simply refused to believe that this is how I write; I’ve come to realize that in that denial, I admit to the very thing that I am refusing. In other words, I deny because I feel that I am better than what that article is saying about me, thus supporting the fact that I must separate myself from the text in order to feel as though I have mastered or lorded over it. To me, it seems absurd that my gender tends to write in a certain way, but that very argument often stems from a deep sense of machismo. I must think carefully and logically in order to get rid of the assumption that I know myself better than anyone else. That is why I have to be aware of how I think I write, so I don’t make the mistake of fulfilling the “typical male narrative."

Aside from my being male, there are certain environments that have influenced my writing and thinking as well. I really didn’t start writing any meaningful pieces until the beginning of my senior year, when I was exposed to an English professor who actually cared about my learning. In years preceding, I hated writing. I was that typical masculine writer, emphasizing action and dominance, rather than connection and clarity. What changed me wasn’t the teacher or the things that we studied. What changed me was merely the way my thoughts were provoked. Sure, I learned a lot in that class about structure and style, but the desire to know and learn came from within — it was evoked through the work that we did. I think this year was one of the most influential in my thinking thus far because it has propelled me into an entirely new realm of possibilities.

As a quest to journey into these possibilities, I have recently taken up an interest in literature. In high school, I had absolutely no inclination whatsoever to read at all. I practically wasted four years of my life of which I could have spent diving into some of the greatest works of art! Now I enjoy the fun that honors seminar brings to my new interest. In reading some of those great works of art, in reading the foundation of western philosophy, in reading some of the most discussed pieces of writing in the history of manuscript documentation, I have learned more in one semester than I have in, quite literally, my entire life. In no sort of way does this new part of me line up with the typical male narrative stereotype. Notes from my honors seminar and course papers will prove that I write with a keen sense for deep connections to literature — I strive to see myself in the writing. I don’t write with a desire to see the strong male protagonists to succeed. In fact, I am more drawn to the way that they fail.

The goal, in this case, was to examine whether or not my writing actually matched up with how my gender and environment has influenced my writing. However, I’m not sure if I am ready to say that I am still influenced today by how I used to write. There could be a chance, though. Now, in denial or not, I believe that I have to keep a watchful eye out for this influence, so it doesn’t create bias or unsophisticated statements in my writing. My writing in the university differs greatly from the way that I used to write in high school, but with this in mind, it can be easy to discount all writing preceding this time in my life.

This, however, is not the point. I must learn from the past in order to not repeat it, but also I need to consider the things I have learned in writing in school over this last semester. That will give me the best representation of the truth in my writing today. Stepping back for a bit and admitting the truth have aided me greatly in my quest for my true voice in writing. I still continue to practice this today. But I must go back in. Back into reality, back into writing, back into reading, back to truth, to actually practice what I am preaching on. I hope that with this sort of reflective attitude I am able to find my true self in writing.