To the person who wishes life was different,

Do you ever sit alone at your house wishing you could be that person you were before? You know, the one who was the life of the party and seemed to have engraved a smile onto their face. The person everyone wanted to know and called up for a good time. The one who was genuinely happy.

Do you ever wish you had the capacity to love again? I mean truly love. I'm not talking about a childish crush or a fleeting romance, but an actual love. A love that feels reciprocated though it may not be. A love that blinds you and leaves you breathless. A love before the heartache. A love before the pain.

Do you ever wish you could open up to people? To let them see the real you. To be courageous enough to let every bit of who you are shine for the world to see. To show the bold, daring side of you as well as the broken and damaged. You bottle up so much of yourself in order to spare others. You feel like if they really knew you, they would not be the same.

Do you ever wish you could see in yourself what others see in you? They constantly speak about your loving nature, your beauty, and your grace but all you see are damaged goods. You can acknowledge nothing special about yourself and wonder how others see these things. They say that you have a sparkle in your eye, an unforgettable smile, and a personality that can light up a room, but all you can manage to think is, 'how'?

Do you ever wish you were the person everyone thought you were? The confident person who didn't "take no crap from nobody". You think of the person that everyone sees and wish you could live the reality of the character you play. You wish you could actually be the life of the party and the light in the room. You wish you held the substance that everyone thought you carried instead of merely being an empty pit of sadness.

Do you every wish life could be as it was before him? Thinking back, you can vaguely remember that time. You did not subconsciously do things in hopes of gaining his attention or stoop down to a level you never imagined you would fall to. You did not find yourself crying alone on the bathroom floor turning the music up louder and louder to drown out the sobs. You were content with being yourself and had no worries about what another person thought. You remember the time when you did not have to explain to people that you are not the monster he makes you out to be. You remember not having to struggle to change people's opinion of you. You remember the easier, happier time. You just wish you could go back.

Do you ever just wish that life were different? Do you ever wish that you were not the person you are? Do you ever wish that you could breathe without trouble? Do you ever wish you did not have to flounder around to stay afloat? Do you ever wish you didn't have to bear the pain he caused you? Do you ever just wish it all to be different?

I do.

Sincerely, The Girl Who Understands