I have always been a performer. I may not have always realized it, but it's who I am and who I always have been. From dance recitals that took place before I even started school, to taking the floor (vault, bars, and beam) all alone at gymnastics meets, to numerous other athletic events, to school musicals, and now to an ever increasing number of concerts, I have always been in front of people performing.
It's ironic to me because I am rather shy, not always super confident, and I sometimes feel like I am not necessarily the type of person who should be out in the spotlight, but then again while I am performing, none of that seems to matter. What people think of me doesn't matter. Who is in the crowd doesn't matter. What I am doing after the performance doesn't matter. The size of the audience doesn't matter. All that matters is what I am performing and the very moment that the performance is taking place.
There is no feeling like the one that comes after a great performance, to the point where it really only can be best described as a sort of high. All those hours of rehearsals and long practice sessions, come down to one moment. One moment to show what you have been working so hard at. One moment to put together everything you have been working at and leave it all out on the stage. One moment that always seems to fly by way too fast.
Performance anxiety is most definitely a real thing as well, and it can really be an inconvenience to any performer. Personally, the fact that I have one chance to show hours of work combined with the fact that I am a perfectionist usually leaves me a bundle of shaky, nauseous excitement before entering the stage for any performance. However, once I am physically out there performing, those feelings quickly dissipate. Once I am out on that stage, it's as though I have stepped on the accelerator. The performance is already in motion and there is no turning back.
Sometimes I question why I perform. I wonder whether I am good enough, or if I really am truly meant to be a performer. There's nothing that ever flat out told me that performing is what I should be doing with my life. It's just what I always have done. Looking back however, the reason I have always continued to partake in activities where I have gotten to perform is because I wanted to. I love it. So much of our lives are devoted to pleasing other people that sometimes we don't stop and think about what we do to please ourselves. As a performer, I get to do what I love, while bringing joy to so many others. And there's really not much else that brings me the same sense of joy that comes after a great performance. That one moment overrides any number of bad practice sessions, frustrating rehearsals, or any performances that may have been less-than-great. It makes it all worth it. Time stands still and flies by all within the same moment. When I am out on that stage, life makes sense and I know who I am.
