In some way or another, everyone has a bad habit. Most people don’t like to admit theirs or acknowledge that they have one, but being a writer means putting myself out there and opening up. So here goes.

As many of my friends and family know, I am a perfectionist. I can’t accept anything short of what I deem as “perfect,” and I’m constantly striving for some unattainable goal that I so desperately need to achieve. This was a big struggle for me in high school as I felt so much pressure from my peers to do well in school.

I kept telling myself that I needed to do the best or I wouldn’t be good enough. That was a constant cycle for me. I’d just about get to where my goal was, but then started to think I needed to do better, so I’d set an even more difficult goal for myself.

Recently, I’ve been able to handle this bad habit a little more effectively, but that doesn’t mean that it’s gone. My need for cleanliness, having my books all aligned on my desk, and the like is another component of my perfectionism. I know it drives the people around me crazy; I can get bossy or lash out when things aren’t in the order I prefer.

But it doesn’t just take a toll on them; my bad habit exhausts me, and sadly, I’m still struggling to kick it. Perfectionism isn’t something you can just quit cold turkey; it takes a lot of going back and forth with myself over the littlest of things.

Sure, this bad habit of mine might have some benefits (I keep my room and personal belongings orderly), but the positives don’t really outweigh the negatives. High school was a long battle of me telling myself that I needed to do the best or I wouldn’t be good enough. It wasn’t just academics either.

My bad habit worked its way into my social life, making it difficult for me to branch out and make close connections. I worried that my friends wouldn’t think I was the “perfect” friend that I hoped to be, and they would just leave. However, real friends don’t do that, and I’m thankful for those who stuck with me and continue to, even though some of them are hundreds of miles away.

Bad habits are hard to kick. Whether it’s nail biting, procrastinating, or even smoking, they’re all tough to break. I can definitely vouch for that.

Wanting, even needing, to be perfect consumed me. For the past few years, I spent too much time worrying about being good enough that it took away time from me appreciating who I was. At some point, though, you just have to say “screw this” and start working towards giving up your habit.

Although I haven’t completely gotten past mine, I’ve come a long way from where I was, and am closer than ever to where I want to be.