Have you ever looked really closely at a flower? Close enough to see tears in the petals or pieces bugs have eaten away, some discoloration. When you look closely and you see these imperfections you may think that the flower isn’t as pretty. But before you looked close the flower as a whole was still beautiful, was it not? Often times that is how we see ourselves. As a whole we know we have been created perfectly in Christ and even though their may be a few tears or droopy petals we are still worthy of being in the garden. However, often times there is a part of us we don’t love, something we wish we could trade or get rid of. We start to focus on the tears, holes, or missing pieces of our bloom. When we examine these flaws we often begin to feel unworthy. We stop seeing ourselves as a whole beautiful creation and all we see are the imperfections. For some of us we’ve never stepped back far enough to notice the whole essence of our being, we are too concerned with the flaws we see and what they make us.
What if I told you there was someone who loved you, through all the flaws you think you have. What if I told you that no matter what it is that you don’t like about yourself there is someone who see’s you as worthy, who sees you as perfect, who sees you as beautiful. He sees your mess as a masterpiece and wouldn’t have it any other way. I am talking about Christ, the very one who created you. Flaws and all He will always see you as perfect, because he created you that way. Accepting His love in this way has been difficult for me, especially recently. Sometimes I feel that my biggest flaw is just too much for anyone to love me through. But the one thing I’ve learned through it all is that God does. He is always there to comfort me when it becomes too much and brings me back to my feet when I fall. When my imperfections seem to be too much for me, or anyone around me I know that they are never too much to turn Him away.
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The flaw I am talking about here is my struggle with Anxiety. Not very many people know that I go through this, I’m pretty good at control and hiding it and it also does not occur very often or very extremely. I have not been diagnosed by a professional nor do I seek treatment for personal reasons of my own. My anxiety does not effect me daily and is not an extreme form of anxiety. Compared to most cases it is very small and manageable, but it is still very real and something I’ve been dealing for a very long time. Sometimes I can go months with out feeling any anxiety at all. It also doesn’t usually take very long for me to overcome an anxiety lapse – or so I call them – either. I thank God and my faith for that. Anxiety is defined as a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities. For me when I become anxious about something it consumes my mind to the point where I can’t do anything else because I feel that I have to figure out whatever it is that is on my mind. It’s annoying. There hardest part is, I am one hundred percent aware of my anxiety, I am aware that when I feel fear, worry, and anxious it is usually irrational and unnecessary, I am aware that I just need to trust God’s plan for me and know that I know that I’m being ridiculous! I know that I’m overthinking and not being reasonable. And then it becomes a battle in my mind between my anxious thinking and my reasonable thinking. But to be honest, having anxiety isn’t the worst part. I can live with the fact that I overthink things sometimes and that I get anxious. However, the hardest part is how having anxiety makes me feel, and how it makes me see myself. It’s not a pretty picture.
I call this struggle of anxiety a flaw because in honesty it is. When my anxiety affects others around me it makes me feel like a burden. I feel like I’m too much to handle and unlovable. I am unworthy of the effort it takes to be involved with me. It’s difficult to even talk to my closest friends about it without feeling this way. Not only do I feel this way about people, but I am ashamed of myself and start to realize I am unworthy of God’s love as well, for every time I become anxious it is because I have turned my back away from him whether I knew it or not. I become anxious because I lose sight of my trust. Little by little my unbelief in his plan and his control seeps through, and as the Godly woman I am striving to be, I am ashamed and embarrassed in this flaw. Because In my heart of hearts I believe in God’s plan over my life, I believe in his faithfulness and goodness and I trust him with my life, but then to fall so far… To have anxiety knock me off my foundation is so disheartening. After building myself up so strongly to see me be so weak and so consumed by fear and worry and uncertainty. It’s hard to love that version of yourself. The very person you don’t want to be. I don’t and I can’t say that I will every love the anxious tendencies I have, and I’ll never expect anyone else to either.
But there is someone who does. There is one person in my life I know I can always count on to love me for the mess that I think I am. He will love me through all of my imperfections because to him they make me who He has created me to be. Throughout this last anxious spell I’ve had, God was constantly nudging at my heart. Constantly reminding me that He has me. That He is in control. When I finally grasped His voice and subdued my anxiety I began to feel guilty and ashamed that I had once again let my anxiety get the best of me. I cried in anger, in hurt, in frustration, in shame and repentance; I cried a lot…. But through my tears He comforted me. Through my confusion and disbelief He was there to hold me and tell me that it was all going to be okay. I spent that evening listing to praise and worship and watching the sunset. Once the sun faded out I laid down on the floor of the balcony and looked at the stars and the clouds passing by. Just me, God, and praise.
In this moment I realized a new depth of God’s love for me. That no matter what flaws I have, no matter what I see in myself as an imperfection, God see’s me as His perfect, loved child. For He has created me just as I am and He is planning to use every bit of me for his will. That includes my anxiety. As much as I hate that I experience anxiety and go through these episodes I know that God has a plan to use them to fulfill my calling. When I become a counselor I will be better able to connect with my clients because of where I have been and what I have struggled with. I will be prepared to show compassion and understanding toward their struggles.
My Journey with anxiety is coming to an end and I know that someday it will be something that I will no longer experience. As I grow in my faith and walk with Christ I am becoming better equipped to fight this battle and win. For I know that it has already been won for me. Even though I may stumble a time or two, I know that Gods faithful love will always see me through.
My point of sharing this story with you is to tell you that no matter what it is you are struggling with, no matter what flaw or imperfection you have, don’t let define who you are. You see, the devil will take these flaws and use them against you; he wants you to define yourself by them so that you fail to live up to your potential. He doesn’t want you to know how amazing you truly are even with flaws attached. The enemy will trick you into thinking you’re still struggling with something that God has already freed you from. It is important not to dwell on our imperfections but to turn to God for help whenever they arise. It doesn’t matter what it is, what you’ve done, God is always going to be there. When you turn to Him, He will always pick you up, He will always listen, His word will speak encouragement to you and He will offer you peace and joy. I want you to know that no matter the flaws you find in yourself, the mistakes, the brokenness, He will always see you perfectly and nothing will ever change that. “For nothing can separate you from his love.” Learn to see yourself as He sees you, because that is the only version of yourself that you should believe in.
I know that through my imperfection of anxious thinking, I am more than that. Through the process of dealing with my flaw I have learned that my imperfections do not sum up who I am. There is so much more to me than anxiety, and in God’s sight I am made perfect. Covered by his love, mercy and forgiveness, I am perfectly imperfect. And so are you.
