When the conversation about consent arises, it’s often in the context of sexual assault and/or hook-up culture. While these are definitely conversations that we should be having, not enough people are talking about why consent matters in committed relationships, too. In fact, most people deny that rape can occur between two people in a relationship because they say consent is “assumed.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. More people than you think, myself included, have experienced non-consensual sex at the hands of a long-term partner. Just because you’re committed to someone romantically does NOT mean you’ve automatically consented to their sexual desires. Sex, no matter who it’s with, requires consent every single time. 

Sure, in the moment between two people who are madly in love – things can move right along without any hesitation. But, there can also be times that either one or both partners may not be feeling it. In this case, there should always be the opportunity to say no without debate. Whether you’re truly in love with your partner or not, you should still respect their decisions. Especially a decision like this. You’d think when the relationship is established, this would be automatically assumed. You’d think that someone who cares for you would never hurt you. But that’s where the misconception comes in. People can change and are able to hide their demons well. No matter how much someone says they love you, they can still manipulate you in ways inconceivable to those on the outside.

This isn’t to scare those looking for love, because real men and women respect you and your decisions. Not everyone is like this and this doesn’t happen in every relationship. But, it does happen – much more than you’d think. This is simply to bring this touchy subject to light and to help eradicate the misconceptions about it. If this became a more approachable topic, those affected would be much more comfortable to speak out. The common misunderstandings make people feel anomalous; like no one will believe their stories. This year, with the #TIMESUP campaign, I have hope that more people will use their voice to stand up against sexual violence so, as Oprah beautifully said, “no one will have to say #MeToo.”

I’ll finish this up with the ever so important fact: no means NO. It doesn’t matter if it’s a hook-up or sex with your partner of several years. Consent is necessary and if one person says they’re not interested – it’s off. Being in a relationship does not come with a free-pass. 

If you, or someone you know, is in an abusive relationship – please reach out. 

For 24-hour assistance call the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673