I've always been the person in my life who can't say no, the person who hates getting into fights with anyone I'm close with, and the person who has to make everyone see both sides of the situation. I try to avoid conflict at all times. I'm the peacemaker (see also: people pleaser).
The need to have peace with everyone in my life is hard. It's hard to please everyone. It's hard to make everyone happy all the time. It's hard to avoid conflict and still live your own life. In fact, I've been finding in these past few months that it's quite impossible. My whole life I've lived for others. I wanted to make everyone smile and make everyone happy both with me and with each other. A large part of me still wants that. Conflict with others gives me anxiety. Anxiety kicks my depression into gear. It's a vicious cycle, but I've done it to myself. I always felt like I had to make everyone happy, and I always strained myself and sacrificed my own happiness to do so. I would stretch to the ends of the earth just to see someone I care about smile.
Disequilibrium is defined by Dictionary.com as lack of equilibrium; imbalance. Lately, my whole life has been in disequilibrium. Whether it was with parents or friends or my S.O., my life has been in perfect imbalance and full of conflict. Here's the funny thing: I made it that way. I decided that it was time to break free from my people pleasing ways. I wanted to just live for myself. I started to make decisions solely with ME in mind. I didn't ask for opinions or permissions, I went ahead with it for myself.
Here's the hardest part of my journey so far: deciphering which decisions were made to help better myself and which were just me being selfish. I described it to someone awhile ago as the fight between the adult me and the teenage me. I'm constantly wondering when I'm being naive and when I'm right. I like to think that "normal" people--meaning non-peacemakers--are natural with this. I like to think that there are people out there who can simply make good decisions for themselves without being selfish--and know the difference.
Here's the most important lesson I have learned from my journey thus far: you CANNOT (absolutely not, there's no way) make everyone happy and make yourself happy as well. You just CAN'T. People will always have their own opinions and feelings, and yes, sometimes they are relevant. But if you try time and time again to make everyone else happy, you're the loser in the situation. It can't be done and that's okay. Peace is a great thing, but it just can't be the answer all the time. If you're busy pleasing everyone else, when do you get time to care for yourself? Your health always., always, always comes before everyone else's because you've gotta take care of yourself before you can take care of everyone else.
If you're reading this article and all you can think about is how you wish you had my strength, STOP. You do have this strength, you just have to find it and learn how to use it. Learning to say no is extremely difficult, learning to deal with conflict head on is extremely difficult, and learning to put yourself first is extremely difficult- if you're not used to doing so. But you know what else is extremely difficult? Putting your own happiness on the back-burner. So this is my advice to you: Stop pleasing people when it's not ideal. Start putting your own happiness first, and do what YOU think is right for you. Don't let others make decisions for you. Go and find yourself, but make sure your actions are just. There's a fine line between what is right and what is selfish. Now go into the world and begin your journey of growth just as I have.
