Today I spent $74 on a massage for my back which has been in excruciating pain.
Some of you might be thinking: "she spent HOW MUCH on a massage?" "Wow, must be nice to be able to do that." "She's such a spoiled brat."
None of those things are true. In fact, spending money on the massage hurt almost as much as my achy breaky back (in fact it would have been a lot less expensive if I hadn't tipped so nicely since the massuese kindly put up with all my talking, questions and nervousness).
I have spending anxiety. Even when I have money in the bank, the thought of losing it is always in the back of my mind. The way to lose it? Spending it. I have this deepset worry that if I don't save my pennies and dollars, my whole future is shot. Savings=security.
Which is fine, but there's a difference between being a good saver and being Ebenezer Scrooge. Bah Humbug!
Broken laptop? Duct tape. Friends want to go to a shopping trip to the mall? Cringe. Phone bill due? Well, maybe I can wait a little.... Shoes uncomfy? Change to an old pair. It gets to a point where my financial anxiety is not just me being thrifty but a phobia that is interfering with my life. It is not interfering in big huge stabbing ways, but more like tiny little cuts. But all those cuts? They add up.
There are only so many times that I can obsessively add up my money. Only so many times that I can worry that the $74 I spent on that massage will ruin me for life. Before you judge me too hard, no I am not one of those people who always borrows money from others and mooches off of them like a financial leech. I work, and if I do borrow I always pay back within a week. The problem isn't the reality, the problem is all the potential realities I am imagining.
I'd like to end this article by saying "but don't worry kiddos it all worked out in the end. I found a life changing solution and all my worries have gone away." Except that would be a complete and utter lie.
What I will say, is that the first step to solving a problem is recognizing you have one, which I am doing right now. So if you can relate to any of this, please know, you are not alone.
