Pop quiz: Can you pay for Red Lobster with a check? Stay tuned for the answer.

I couldn’t ask for a better Fourth of July. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but if I could change one teensy tiny thing it be not losing my wallet.

The morning after I panicked for about an hour and then played Overwatch because life’s too short and the competitive summer season is even shorter. After another day had passed I decided I needed to be a responsible man child and get my life right. I needed to get a new driver’s license and somehow found an appointment for the same day at a DMV 30 minutes away. I accepted the afternoon appointment and spent the morning leading up to it thinking of nasty insults to shout at the neighbors who were still setting off fireworks two days after Independence Day.

Nobody likes the DMV

To my relief, the DMV was fairly painless. It’s possible that I cut about fifty people because I didn’t understand the line structure, but I figured if nobody was yelling at me then I was okay. I filled out all my paperwork and waited for my number to be called. An automated voice beckoned me to Window 7 where I met an older woman who looked like she’d rather be anywhere else. You and me both, sister. I tried to be as agreeable as possible. I was just looking forward to retaking my license photo and making a funny face.

“That’ll be $27,” she said without even looking at me. Well the funny thing about losing your wallet is that you don’t have what was inside of it. I didn’t have my credit card, debit card, my Chipotle giftcard, or any cash. However, I planned for this. I whipped out my check book which I only ever used to pay rent, and filled out a check.

“Sign it, please” the woman scoffed as she rolled her eyes.

“That might be helpful, huh?” I joked.

“It might…” she muttered. I signed the check and gave it to her. She printed out a paper which was apparently what I was supposed to use as my license until my new one was sent in the mail.

“Do I need to retake my picture?” I asked concerned.

“Nope. You’re good to go,” she smiled, one customer closer to the sweet release of death.

I walked out disappointed until I realize that my whole DMV trip only took me about a half hour. Furthermore, I was tingling at the thought of actually paying for something with a check. I decided the next thing I needed was a wallet. I set my GPS towards the nearest Target and called my bank to cancel my credit card.

Cancelling the Cards

I was on hold for so long that I had time to browse Target and leave without a representative answering the phone. Target’s selection of wallets was abysmal so I just left. When exiting the parking lot, I got into the wrong lane and ended up in a shopping center across the street. I was still on hold, mind you. 40 minutes of the same song and frequent reminders that a representative would be with me as soon as possible. Even then, waiting for this wasn’t as bad as calling Discovery Student Loans.

As I navigated through the shopping center I was taken off hold and the rep was able to cancel my credit card and send me a new one. However, she was unable to cancel my credit card and recommended that I go to an actual branch of my bank to get a temporary card. Luckily there happened to be a bank in the shopping center I was in so I parked and went in. I ordered a new debit card and got an obnoxiously bright tie dye pattern on it. This proved particularly difficult to do because the only form of identification I had was the piece of paper the DMV gave me just an hour before.

Do you accept check?

When I walked out, I saw a department store next door and decided to look for a wallet there. I found one I liked and went to the register. Even though I had a temporary debit card I wanted to see if I could get away with paying with a check. So I looked the cashier straight in the eye and pulled out my check book. She asked for my ID and I pulled out my piece of paper which was getting more and more crumpled. The check didn’t go through the machine. I looked at the person in line behind me. An old lady being pushed around in a wheelchair by her grandson. My stomach churned but I refused to take out my debit card. After three attempts my check when through and I got the hell out of there.

Mobsters and Lobsters

I got back into my car and started driving through the parking lot when I came up on a Red Lobster. I slammed on the breaks and stared at the building while my mind fixated itself at the thought of me biting into those wonderful flaky and warm cheddar biscuits. I parked again and ran inside.

The hostess directed me to the bar where I could order cheddar biscuits to go. Still fascinated by my ability to purchase things with checks I wanted to buy my yummy snacks with it. The bubbly bartended approached me and told me about the drink specials. No. I needed to stay focused. I came for the biscuits.

But then she said that there was a special where I could upgrade any drink to the Mega size for a dollar. Then I thought, “What would happen if I tried to buy alcohol with a check?” Also I didn’t have a picture ID on me, would she accept my piece of paper as valid ID? Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to order what Red Lobster called Alotta Colada.

Luckily the bartender didn’t card me. That never happens. I have a cute baby face and my skin is smoother than a really smooth thing. I got my drink which was comically huge and asked for a side of cheddar biscuits. When I realized that all my sipping wasn’t putting a dent in the massive margarita I asked for my bill. Now it was the moment of truth.

Can you pay for Red Lobster with a check?

I encountered a problem that I never had before: if you’re writing a check, do you include the tip on it? I asked the bartender and she didn’t know either. She went to ask the manager. The manager emerged from the kitchen shortly after and came to talk to me.

“I’m so sorry,” she twisted her face. “We actually don’t accept checks.”

Playing coy, I responded, “Oh I’m so sorry. Is that a new thing or –”

“No, it’s been that way forever. Yeah most restaurants don’t accept checks actually. It’s just so much easier to swipe your card, you know?” I could tell that she was judging me and my check book. I looked at her so earnestly with my check in one hand and a pen in the other. I decided try something else to see how far I could push things.

“Well do you accept Android Pay?” I asked hopefully.

“You mean like when you tap your phone on the thing?”

“Oh I’m sorry, we don’t!” she said trying her best not to laugh at my face.

“Well shucks. Okay then.”

“Do you have any other forms of payment?”

“Uh.” I stalled. “You know what, give me a second.”

She walked away and I pulled out my temporary debit card and gave it to my server. So it turns out you can’t use checks at Red Lobster.

I wanted to know if I could use a check in a drive-thru window. Then I thought if I could get away with using a check at a place that was cash only. On the way home from my social experiment, I stopped at a taco truck and asked if they accepted checks. They didn’t. I was two for four.

The Moral of the Story

Don’t lose your wallet, especially on the Fourth of July. However, if you do your check book might just get you by. Unless you’re hungry.