Now, before I get into the nitty-gritty of this article, please understand that I am in no way, shape or form sh*tting on those who eat healthy foods. I love healthy foods. Baked brussels sprouts, grilled asparagus and fresh fruits help make up my top ten favorite foods. I also understand that eating healthy is good for your body, mind, soul blah blah blah. Some health-conscious people eat salads (rabbit food) every day for lunch and dinner.

Then there’s me: The one who eats pasta every day because she would rather eat foods that taste good than worry about fitting into a dress next month—a dress that she’ll only wear once.

This is an article calling out everyone who has ever told me, “That pasta is going straight to your thighs and butt.” You know what? Good. Great. I hope all the pasta I eat views my body as a safe place. To those who criticize others for eating so much pasta, I have some advice for you: Don’t be a meanie, have some Linguini.

Pasta may not be the healthiest thing to put in your body, but neither is alcohol—and how many health-conscious people are partying their asses off every single weekend, hm? News flash: Carbs are in beer, too. I know that may come as a shock to some, but don’t be upsetti!

You know what else is cool about pasta? Literally everything. Everything about pasta is cool. No, but pasta comes in all shapes and sizes. Salads are boring. Sure, you can add things like cheese and veggies and dressing to it, but it will never be as good as pasta. There are so many pastabilities when it comes to carbs: Farfalle looks like cute bowties (you can also buy mini Farfalle which look like mini bowties, Fiocchi Rigati which also look like bowties, but have smooth edges. Or Farfalle Tonde which still look like bowties, but have much rounder edges). Spighe looks like a leaf. Ruote looks like a wheel. Conchiglie Rigate and Gnocchetti Sardi look like shells. And don’t even get me started on spiral pastas—it’s impastible to list them all without giving you a headache.

My point? With salads you can have spinach, arugula or romaine lettuce, but your options are limited. You can drown your salad in ranch, Italian or balsamic vinaigrettes, but you can never drown your salad in garlic, basil and eighteen-cheese pasta sauce. Don’t get me wrong—your salad may be delicious, so don’t get upset with me Fusilli reasons. My goal is not to be pasta-aggressive. Enjoy your salad. (We all know you wish your salad was Tagliolini ai Porcini.)

To cavatappi it off: Pasta is important. Like salad, it’s easy to make. You can even buy gluten-free pasta which is healthier than regular pasta. (But, a Penne for your thoughts: if you’re going to go all out and eat pasta to begin with, just eat regular pasta—there’s no need to half-harm your body; harm your body with pleasure.)

Whether you choose to eat salads, tofu, red meat or Rigatoni, just be happy. Eat whatever the hell you want to eat. Eat what tastes good. Eat what makes you feel good about yourself. Eat your chips and cookies and almonds and waffles and say, “Pasta la vista” to your haters.