What Does it Mean to be "Passive-Aggressive"?Passive-aggressive behaviors are indirectly aggressive behaviors. Examples might include rolling your eyes, slamming doors, or giving the silent treatment.
This article was heavily influenced by the book, "How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk" written by Dr. John Van Epp. While the book does not specifically talk about passive-aggressive behaviors, it does talk about the concept of congruence. Social Science experts define congruence as the consistency between what a person says and how a person acts regarding the expression of their feelings. Someone with high congruence, therefore, would be someone who means what they say. They are genuinely happy when they say they are happy. Someone with low congruence, would be someone who says one thing but does not match what they say with their actions. This person might say they are happy, but they are walking around the house sulking, slamming doors, and generally avoiding you. While not every instance of in-congruence is specifically passive-aggressive, many times it is.
Passive-Aggressive Behaviors Erodes Trust
By being passive-aggressive, you are teaching your partner that you cannot be trusted to tell them your true feelings. In doing this you are creating insecurity within the relationship. Through placing the burden of mind-reading onto your partner, passive-aggressive behaviors make it very difficult for a person to feel as if they truly know you. It always feels like a guessing game!
Not only can passive-aggressive behavior lead to the feeling of your emotions being a total guessing game for your partner, but it can also create a feeling of intense self-consciousness in them. Who wants to hurt their partner's feelings on purpose? Not most people. A feeling of self-consciousness can stem from feeling as though they are unable to accurately decipher your feelings on their own, therefore, to avoid stirring muddy waters, your partner is likely to feel as though they must tread lightly!
Another element of mistrust appears when not only is your partner unable to decipher your feelings, but passive-aggression can make your partner feel as though they can't decipher your actions either. Because passive-aggression often includes punishment by way of guilt, passive-aggression also has a strong tendency to clear the path for manipulation. Being the partner left to face passive-aggressive behaviors, it is easy for your partner to question your motives. Is my partner doing this to be nice? Or are they doing this to guilt me into dropping an issue I have with them? Are they doing this to spite me because I unknowingly slighted them and they want me to feel guilty that they are doing something nice for me ? Now, through general mistrust perpetuated by passive-aggressive behaviors, even in times of peace, there is insecurity and conflict.
It Furthers Miscommunications
Passive-Aggressive behavior forces your partner to create a narrative from their perspective. They are forced to make assumptions. For example, if Alex were to tell Casey, "Hey honey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm spending the evening with my friends!" and Casey were to roll their eyes, it would be reasonable to assume that Casey is upset because Alex is spending time with their friends. Why else could Casey be mad? Nothing else makes sense! However, if Alex were able to look into Casey's mind, they would see that they'd forgotten it was Casey's birthday that day. They would see that Casey is feeling hurt and neglected. Similarly, if Casey could look into Alex's mind, they might find that Alex feels as if Casey is possessive and controlling. A lack of knowledge creates the perfect storm for both parties to wrongly accuse the other of intentionally hurting the other person. Unfortunately, because of a lack of communication, false narratives have been created by both parties and provides the basis for an argument to ensue. While in this situation an argument is still possible, through Casey voicing their hurt outwardly, it is also very possible that Alex will cancel their plans in favor of Casey's birthday , and both parties will feel understood.
Ultimately, It Fosters Resentment & Hurt Feelings
According to Dr. John Van Epp of "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk", both as the person facing passive-aggressive behaviors and the person perpetrating the behaviors, "Ultimately, you will find yourself in a position of feeling compromised because you accept some wrong when it becomes smoothed over by some right." Passive-aggression breeds resentment. Resentment in the fact that your partner cannot read your mind on your behalf and resentment on their behalf that they are expected too.
Still defending your passive-aggression? I'm just trying to avoid an actual argument! Wrong. By being passive-aggressive, you are allowing anger to fester within you. You are creating false narratives in your mind of the intentions of your partner- whether that partner be romantic or platonic! You are not, in fact, avoiding conflict. Instead, you are forcing yourself to sit through imaginary battles that ultimately spill over into real life. You are not avoiding conflict, you are choosing conflict over relationship.
