Neighborhood pals, the gang, the inseparables are what all the old farts down the lane called us. We shared the same seat of the torn leathered bus that smelled like rotting eggs, ran home to crank out the homework Mrs. Patterson assigned, only then to play until the streetlight at the end of the lane flickered on, signaling we best get our asses home if we wanted to feel them in the morning.

Lip moved to our lane in 1998 and I was a few months younger at four and three-quarters, while he just turned five. No cell phones distracted us from our own presence back then, but I didn’t complain much when IM’ing became another way we could talk after the streetlight came on down the lane. I got a cell phone first, which Mom said was for emergencies only. He got his a few months later for the same emergencies. I don’t think our parents considered text messaging way into the morning when we lived fourteen steps away as a real emergency. I guess being separated for more than eight hours while we struggled to close our eyes, fighting the sheets, and trying to hold back everything we forgot to say for the next day was too hard.

Our parents used to tease us and say they would be planning a wedding twenty-some-odd years down the lane we lived on, but I didn’t catch onto my feelings for Lip until that devil puberty hit. Pads lined our bathroom floor, bras became second nature, and hair and odors starting pouring out of every pore. Seeing Lip change from a boy to a young man made me feel something I didn’t know was possible. He was a late bloomer, it’s not like we simultaneously sprouted from the same puberty vein, but as I was grappling with the changes I didn’t ask for, he was slowly awakening to the changes he didn’t quite see yet.

I was the only girl who lived on our lane and he was one of the six boys dispersed in our neighborhood, making every inch different territory to defend. I call puberty the devil because it made a small tear between our close-knit friendship and cootie-ridden love story. All the girls grabbed his attention at school and in the world on the television. Girls on the pornos his brothers used to jack to when they didn’t think we were in the closet playing space-craft, girls with the huge tits that spilled from the tops of their camisoles and make-up plastered to their face, and girls with their unmistakable thongs winking ever-so-slightly from the crest of their low-waisted jeans of the highest brand.

These types of girls started moving into our neighborhood, all around our lane, which distracted Lip from wanting to hang out with me all the time. Brown haired, blonde haired, purple haired and all seemingly more attractive that I knew I ever would be. Even with these distraction, he didn’t unwind from the tight knitting that kept him around my finger at any moment, but the new hormones started pouring out of his brain, making him want to screw anything that moved. I just kept waiting for Lip to say he wanted to screw me.

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There was a time early in tenth grade where I swore on my life that Lip was going to ask me to be his. How couldn’t he? I wasn’t anything special by the looks, but he stuck around, sneaking glimpses of those perfectly slightly-crooked teeth and playfully pushing when we went back and forth with sarcastic bickering. Lip was my first kiss behind my shed at the age of eight because I lost a bet, one that stated I could score more ‘nothing but net’ hoops than he could out of ten. Our second kiss was just a week prior to the black cloud that overshadowed my dreams. This kiss was after we walked from our bus stop after the first day of sophomore year and we were about to divide to take our fourteen long steps to our homes, when he leaned over and kissed me and told me to text him when I got done with my homework. I’ve never gone through algebra faster. We just texted that night. How couldn’t he want me?

Her name was Katie. Beautiful, brown haired Katie. Lip met her in Chemistry class our sophomore year because their names were next to each other on the class roster. Funny, interesting, the most basic smile that made him believe that no one else could smile better. I had seen her in the hallways, effortlessly traveling between classes, but I didn’t formally meet her until she rode our bus home one Tuesday afternoon. This was the first time Lip ever motioned to me to sit behind him and not next to him to share my headphones and talk about how piss bored we had been all day. All I had was the back of his fresh-cut strawberry hair and those stupid beautiful, brown curls. What the hell was she doing in my seat just a week after our second kiss?

That tore through me like Thursday’s beans on a Friday morning and the next time we sat in my front yard under the lightning-struck oak was when I realized just how blind he was.

“So Katie Kant, huh? She’s been riding the bus home a lot, I’m starting to think she may just move into the neighborhood.”

“Yeah, she’s just really laid back. I don’t know, Jamie, it’s just I feel super comfortable with her and she makes me laugh. She would never come close to my partner in crime, but she’s just different.”

I stared at him saying it. All the words pooling out in front of my eyes as he sounded out each one. I understood what he meant by meeting someone different because Zach Benter had started talking to me more and more in English class, but I was too afraid to mention it to Lip because I didn’t want him to think he was being replaced. I guess it didn’t matter now. I guess our kiss last week didn’t matter now.

“Yeah I totally get being different. I forgot to tell you, Zach Benter has been blowing up my phone the last few weeks. My mom even drove me to his house last weekend because he wanted to hang. He’s pretty cool, I guess, but definitely not my partner in crime.” I nudged him over, both of us grinning, seeing those beautifully crooked teeth. I couldn’t tell if it was a happy grin or a grin signaling we were both changing from the secure mold that once formed us. I just wanted to see those teeth more and more.

“Jamie Gier you’re a sly salamander. How could you possibly forget to tell your favorite person the news? Just be careful with Zach. He’s a cool dude, just doesn’t have the greatest reputation.”

“Thank you for the warning, officer. I’ll be sure to keep my eyes peeled. But, seriously, thanks for looking out for the Bonnie to your Clyde. Don’t let Katie’s reputation soil you too much either.” And by her reputation I meant her smart, everyone loves her, good girl reputation, while Zach held the title for most likely to have a chance with any girl willing.

Christmas that year knocked on our doors and relationships knocked at our hearts. Katie and Lip made the couple of the century at school with their matching holiday ugly sweaters and hot cocoa updates on Facebook. She was over at his house or he over her house at any chance they got. It’s convenient having a bedroom window that faces Lip’s front door, so I constantly saw when she pulled in or he pulled out of the cracking pavement we used to draw chalk figures on. I guess I did the same thing with Zach, but I never saw Lip sneaking peaks out of his living room window whenever my mom started up our 2002 Corolla. I still bought Lip a Christmas present that year, even though we went from texting every moment to maybe sending an update once a week. We were each consumed with someone else, and I was still consumed with seeing if his relationship would fail, so presents that year was a trying-our-best gesture, away from each other’s significant others.

It was January, only three months into Zach and I’s relationship, before he unbuttoned my pants and I let him explore his hormones as I explored mine. I wasn’t ready when it happened, trying to delay the inevitable of most normal relationships as long as possible to save myself for when Lip changed his mind. I couldn’t wait that long. Sex was fun with Zach, but as time went on and my pants slid off more frequently through the months, I couldn’t help my mind wonder if Katie had made Lip wait to fuck her.

Six hundred and forty-three days I spent trying to rid Lip of my mind with Zach and 421 days Zach spent only fucking me before realizing the forbidden fruit of other hormones was more appealing than the same stench of my own. I left him as soon as the rumors-turned-truth started pouring in from the mouths of wolves and sheep that ran the halls. Senior year was supposed to be my year with Zach, despite how much he strayed from the man I wanted to be with. I had to break it off, I couldn’t let anyone know that I was okay with the cheating because I didn’t think anyone else would want me if I didn’t stand up for what was right in relationships. I really wanted Lip to see how damaged I was from someone I sort-of loved, but cared for, beat me to the ground. Lip never even texted, just liked the Facebook ‘in-relationship’ status change.

Katie and Lip were the definition of perfect. Prom pictures were like a choreographed photo shoot with candid wonderfulness splayed over Instagram. Seasons passed with the two of them barely blinking an eye because they were so consumed with each other. Lip and I saw each other in the halls sometimes, avoiding eye contact or catching each other’s eye, fighting for even a simple hello. I hadn’t been to his house since that first Christmas we celebrated with someone more important in our lives. I knew he were headed up north with Katie by his side, simply because our parents were still the best of pals and Facebook updates are such a necessity when anyone is so in love. I graduated single that May and went to the community college in town. Mrs. Patterson died the summer before Lip left our lane for college.

After Zach was cut off from loving me, I don’t even know if love is the right word thinking back on it, I didn’t care who wanted me. Dillion, Matt, even Franklin from my different classes all had a whirl with me because I just didn’t want anything serious, while also not trying to be so loose. None of them stuck, none of them even met my parents.

I saw Lip come home for breaks every routine time. Katie was always in the car with him. I never could stop watching the cars pull in from my window, secretly hoping you would walk across your yard and up to my front door to ask if I was busy. Lip and Ms. Beautiful always scurried inside with Lip not even batting an eye towards my window. I heard my mom over pork dinner that Lip was majoring in some mathematical-science shit. I should have known he would choose that route, considering he was always the smart one between us. Katie’s name slipped from my mom’s mouth when she was talking about Lip’s major. She is into some type of environmental work with water. It made my stomach turn because she was turning even more perfect than she was in high school and now she would have a degree to boost her perfectness and let the whole damn world know.