We've all encountered our fair share of douchebags in life, and those of us who move through the world either as women or being perceived as women have to deal with douchebags in a uniquely unpleasant way. Here are the seven major types of douchebag I've had the misfortune of encountering in life.
1. The Party Douchebag
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This is the type of douchebag who wears brightly colored, backwards hats that say something along the lines of "it's five o'clock somewhere" along with a neon muscle shirt that shows off his hairy nipples and has an expression similarly douchey to the one on his hat. If he's in college, he's probably in a frat, and if he's out of college, he probably spends a lot of time reminiscing out loud about his wild college days with his fraternity brothers. The party douche is almost guaranteed to yell at the TV while watching sports.
2. The Sensitive Douchebag
He writes bad poems, misguidedly idolizes Bukowski and bemoans his unrequited love. He either wants to fix you with his love, have your love fix him or maybe even both. This kind of douchebag masquerades as a sweetheart who you have no desire to hang out with but don't want to hurt, though his misogyny eventually shines through.
3. The Dork Douchebag
This is the kind of guy who says women don't belong in gaming and defines real gamers based on his own arbitrary standards. He frequently begins sentences with "Well, actually" and will correct you, even when he doesn't know what he's talking about. A dorkbag is prone to describing himself as sapiosexual and belittling anyone who may have preferred the movie version of some book or book series.
4. The Hipster Douchebag
He asks you to prove your love of a band by naming three of their albums, only drinks fancy coffee beverages and talks about free love while still labelling girls as sluts. If he plays an instrument, then it's probably either the ukelele or the harmonica, and if he has facial hair, then it's probably scultped with wax.
5. The Preppy Douchebag
His wardrobe is heavy on brands like Vineyard Vines or Ralph Lauren, and he gets defensive when you call his shorts anything other than "Nantucket Red," even though that sounds so much worse than just saying pink. He thinks it's in bad taste to directly talk about money, so he talks about all of the expensive things he likes to do, such as sailing and skiing. A preppy douchebag is almost always a rich douchebag, and thinks money lends importance.
6. The Jersey Shore Douchebag
While not necessarily from the Jersey Shore, or even New Jersey, the Jersey Shore Douchebag is characterized by weird facial hair, wife beater tank tops and orange-tinged skin. They wear heavy jewelry – mostly chain necklaces, sometimes with a cross– and too much hair product. They talk a lot about the gym, spend a lot of time at the gym and take a lot of selfies at the gym. Jersey Shore Douchebags are just generally unpleasant to converse with.
7. The Unaffiliated Douchebag
This is the kind of guy who can't be nailed down as any other type of douchebag. He might talk down to girls about video games, carry his ukelele around in a plaid case, wear boat shoes and have an article of clothing that says "Cute story, babe. Now go make me a sandwich" or something to that end. Sometimes, this guy is the most dangerous douchebag because the douchebaggery mix-n-match approach can have a camouflaging effect.
Now, go forth with your knowledge of douchebaggery and its many forms, apply your knowledge of how to spot a douchebag and avoid these men to every degree possible.
