A part of me is missing and for a long time, I firmly believed that I didn’t need it. There would be no reason to miss it since it has never been there in the first place.
The desire, or curiosity, to discover this part, however, has always been there. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
The last time I had the chance to closely analyze this part, a meeting in person, I was too shy and intimidated, for this part suddenly appeared to be rather foreign to me. Twenty years have passed since then.
A couple of times I plucked up the courage over those years to explore this part from a distance, to understand what I was possibly missing. A very tiny piece made its way to me in the form of a letter, which rather served as a punishment than a bonus. This was ten years ago. Many others were left unanswered.
I have now arrived at a point in life at which I realize that I will never be whole, for a part of me has been kept away from me. I sincerely tried everything to get by without it. I denied the gap, filled it with other things, attempted to accept it the way it is and adapted to the flow of life.
However, these tactics didn’t last for long. Again and again, I would become aware of the gap and now understand the implications it has on my life and me as a person.
It hurts to not be wanted as a person. Any rejection of any kind, be it in relationships, at work, with friends, foes and the like, would sadden me deeply. I believe, that whatever I achieve is never good enough.
My sense for perfection drives me to exhaustion and I am continuously aiming to prove and justify myself, to explain my existence and with that give my life a purpose. I fear that people I meet dislike me or don’t want me around. I don’t know how to engage with the opposite sex or how relationships work. This is information which is to be found in the missing part.
No acknowledgment, no praise, no recognition can please me, for a part of me is missing. And until I have found this part, I won’t be able to see myself as a complete being.
I am nobody without this part. No, I am something. Something that moves through life and has wonderful experiences, discovers the world, makes friends and enemies, follows it’s calling, finds its true purpose, learns, experiments, laughs, cries, falls and gets back up again, carries on, enjoys the little things in life and yearns for acknowledgement for all the wonderful deeds. And every now and again it asks itself: “Who am I and where do I come from?”
One thought comes up repeatedly: “I wish you could see what a magnificent person I have become and what fantastic experiences I have made and how many people I have influenced. You would be so proud!”
And you really have any reason to be proud that a part of you exists that has such a positive influence on the world! I just wish I could hear your thoughts and understand what this part is, that I am missing.
Dealing with these arising emotions is part of my life and ultimately makes me who I am. Out of the mist of confusion and lack of understanding has stepped a strong individual who cherishes life and aims for the highest goal.
Children are a miracle and a blessing and deserve to be fully acknowledged for who they are!
