Darkness all around me. I see a breath but it's not my own. I see a flicker of flame in the distance, but there's no way of reaching it. Just by viewing it I can feel its warmth, yet it's still cold. Then as soon as the darkness came, it goes. I'm back in the real world. Where people have been talking to me. I just have not been registering what they are saying at all. When they finally say a word that breaks my gaze, warmth comes rushing back into my body. I use an excuse like "Sorry, I'm so out of it today." to make up for me not paying attention. While it may be half true, it also half a lie. I've been "out of it" every day since my dad passed away. Normal people wouldn't understand, and thats ok. I don't want you to understand. Because, to understand would mean that you went through the same pain as I have.
What comes with misunderstanding though are words that I hate. Phrases that are said to make me suppose to feel better. Yet, when I space out, there's still this dark empty space in my mind. The 'Inspiring' words echo around for a bit, but they don't really do anything for me. In fact they just feed the fire in the distance, and it makes me more envious of it's warmth. Just as you notice the stages of the person going through grief, we notice the stages of the grief effect going on around us. There's the first month where people constantly contact you to make sure your doing ok. Then the second month where people acknowledge your still in pain, but quietly drop off the face of the earth. Then the following months is when, what I call your own personal abyss, develops. Those words everyone said to you "I'll be there for you" are still echoing around in the abyss, but no ones there. No more I'm sorry for your loss, no more fortune cookie advice, no more heart emojis under statuses. Which is completely fine; everyone has lives. People are But, in this abyss of grief, we forget that. We think why is no one reaching out? Why can't I reach out? What's wrong with me? While, nothings wrong with me. It's just the abyss, where everything is a contradiction. Where what would make sense to me normally, does not here.
As I space out, darkness, the sound of my dad's ventilator in the background, his confused look of where he is, The sound of his final flat line. "How are you?" I shake out of my gaze. "What?" I proceed to ask. Those are the only words that seem to catch my attention any more. A simple how are you. It's saved me from me getting lost. It's saved me from a place as cold as death. My own thoughts. A simple how are you has made my day better of getting through the abyss. Not preemptive advice, though very much appreciated. Though those things help in the moment, the words just shatter in griefs freezing thoughts. The words that always snapped me out of my gaze were "How are you". The line made me feel like I was an actual person who had a soul, instead of being a charity case. Those words made me feel like the person cared enough to ask, instead of it being a chore to give me advice. All this to say, we should use those words more often. It doesn't matter how your feeling happy, sad, angry, anxious. A how are you is the only thing in this world that isn't discriminating. At the same time it is a common misused phrase, most of the time we ask it not expecting an honest answer. To the person that is asking the question, mean it. To the person that is receiving it, accept it. Don't tell everything, but just enough to let the person know you appreciate them acknowledging your soul.
The abyss is still there for me, I still fade out of conversations. I still wonder why certain people don't contact me. I still struggle with the parasite of grief. Yet, I hear it's screams as it takes the blow of honest "How are you's" directed at it. In the words of Gandalf in the Hobbit "Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." This rings truest for me, and my own darkness. That is why I encourage you to ask "How are you?" more. Because, with every how are you the darkness fades, the flames warmth becomes tangible, and the source of the breath is uncovered. It was me all along.
