You know how it goes—you go on vacation and think, "Man, I'm going to get a really great tan and everyone will know I had a blast." But then, you remember that you have the most pale skin in the world. Here's how it all goes down:
NOTE: The following content was written from real life experience. Please wear sunscreen, kids.
Blissful Ignorance
My pasty self and I put on no sunscreen in the morning because hello, how are you supposed to get a great tan if you are wearing 50 SPF sunscreen all day long? "I'll be fine, how bad could it be? It's only 10 a.m.," I say to my parents as I head to the beach.
Of course, I know that I could get sunburnt, but you need to get burnt (at least a little) to look tan. Right?
I go to the beach, find a nice chair and lay out with a good book, flipping occasionally when it gets too hot. A little while later, I find myself out on the lake tubing without sunscreen. A little voice in the back of my head says, you should probably put on sunscreen! But I ignore it.
At the end of the day, I feel the tightness of sunburnt skin starting to set, but went to bed without much of a care.
Burn, Baby, Burn
Waking up and walking to the mirror, I'm unsurprised to find that my cheeks and face are bright pink with yesterday's burn. However, it doesn't hurt so I'm not too worried"Make sure to put on sunscreen!" I hear as I walk out the door on the way to the beach. Today, I applied 30 SPF sunscreen before splashing into the water, because I don't want to get too burnt.
At the end of the day, I am a crispy tomato. Every inch of my body is a horrible, angry shade of dark red, in stark comparison to the paper white under my swimsuit. To combat the fiery color of my skin, I took out my trusty 99 percent aloe and put on a good amount before climbing into bed.
One Word: Pain
Never has so much pain been felt on this much of your body at one time. Make no sudden movements unless you want to feel like your skin is being shredded. How could so much fun turn into so much pain? The entire day I walk around like:
"Don't touch me," "I've made a grave mistake" and "ouch" are the mottos of today. Forget clothes that touch skin or are rough in any way. Might as well wear some cotton balls because that's about all the roughness this tender skin can stand. I can't even bear a shower at the end of the day because the water pressure is too much for the scorching fire that is my skin.
Can one aloe too much? The answer, friends, is no. Lather it on good because the fire isn't dying yet.
The Itch Factor
At this point, it had been too long since I last showered, so I get in for a quick rinse. You would think a shower would help. But oh no, it made things worse! Instead of supplying sweet relief, the water created The Itch. Somehow (amidst gallons of aloe and moisturizer) the skin has dried out, making it so itchy that it's impossible to think of anything other than how much your body is itching everywhere. Think of the chicken pox times 54. That's how itchy it is. To make matters worse, the pain still hasn't gone away! Each itch scratched is followed by a stinging pain. It is an endless cycle of doom.
Surely, aloe will come to the rescue. Think again! Putting on more aloe somehow how makes it more itchy. What crazy madness is this?! The bottle says "soothing." I can tell you for a fact that this is in no way soothing.
A Swell Day
In the evening, I can feel my forehead pulsating with the rhythm of my heartbeat, accompanied by a killer headache. What is going on? I think to myself. Turning to a mirror I see it. My forehead has swelled at least two times its normal size. Never have I experienced swelling due to sunburn, but apparently if it's severe enough, sunburn can cause swelling in the face. For two days my forehead looked like an overgrown tomato.
Snake Lady
Call me Snake Lady, 'cause I'm shedding all of my skin. Thankfully the pain starts to subside, however it is replaced with a peeling mess all over. One itch and a chunk of skin goes with it. "Don't touch it!" they say. "It'll go away faster if you don't peel it off" I hear. But how do you expect me to just leave these flakes alone? They are crying to be pulled off.
This is my current state, peeling skin. I spent my vacation in painful, itching, peeling horror instead of enjoying my time with a little bit of sunscreen on. Lesson learned; next time I'll listen.
