Going to a high school that's rated the #1 district in California was intense, intimidating, and well...I guess it prepared me for college. Or maybe I mean, I was so used to the pain and rigor that I was already numb to it by the time I started my first quarter at UCLA.
It was normal to stay up until 4-5am in my high school. I was surrounded by highly motivated and extremely prepped peers who had the resources to stay on top of their game. Some have been playing violin/piano since before they were able to talk. Some have been taking SAT Prep Classes since middle school, some were top athletes that have been recruited to top schools since they were Sophomores or Juniors! Dozens of students were award-winning and high-ranking speech and debate competitors and many students had parents who also went to top schools and were familiar with the college application process.
Some of the most memorable conversations I've overheard went a little something like this:
Bro, I really need help with the study guide. Can you show me how to do this problem?!
No way dude, that'll mess up the curve!
or
I got an A- on the Math test...if I change my PowerSchool password, do you think my mom will still be able to see it??
It was easy to feel like you weren't doing enough to be a part of the top x % of my school. One of my teachers told me of a time where a student was doing so much (All AP classes, President of the School, Sports, and Extracurriculars) that she actually passed out from exhaustion. I can feel the tension and stress from my peers. Everything always seemed uneasy, to say the least.
Perhaps transferring as a Junior to this high school also intensified the stress for me. I remember always being so jaded and sleep-deprived. I never felt good enough to compete with anyone, I never felt satisfied with my grades, and I always felt behind. At times, I felt isolated. People were kind to me, but I never felt like I necessarily belonged. Someone else's "bad" grade was a "good" grade for me. I spent my days asking for help from my instructors, and at some point, I also felt like they were giving up on me. I stopped spending time with friends and family for the sake of studying. My life was swallowed by high school academics, extracurriculars and so on and so forth.
Despite it all, I was still able to get into my dream schools. I'm attending my dream school. I'm currently doing well in my dream school.
My parents, my friends, and instructors praise my high school education for preparing me so well. "You're lucky to have attended to such a school!" They say.
And yes...I am lucky to have been immersed in a similar environment which challenged me in all the academic corners you can think of. I was elated with this, yet I still felt like all those sleepless nights, those emotional breakdowns, and this self-sabotaging attitude I developed wasn't worth it.
I took me years to realize, and I wish I could go back in time and give my high school self some advice. No acceptance letter, no GPA, no award, or trophy is worth sabotaging your emotional and mental well-being.
I hope to continue to live by this realization for the remainder of my academic journey, but for now, I hope you high school and maybe even college kids can live by this too.
