I really wish I knew what happened. But within a week, you went from the annoying, reaching-for-food, running-between-my-feet-with-every-step, meowing-for-treats, stupid-but-somehow-I-knew-you-smart, furball of joy that I loved to catatonic and fading away. I asked you over and over again, through tears, what was wrong, as I sat with you on the bathroom mat. I wish you could live forever. You, Nubby, Buddy, Salem, Misty, and Felix.

I knew that you deserved more than the bathroom floor, so I fluffed up your favorite blanket and laid you down on it. I had already gotten home at about 7:35 and had been home for about an hour by now. I knew you were old and knew it would come sooner than later. There had been many a time in the past few months that I've had to walk up on you to check to make sure that you were still alive.

My parents are on vacation, and neither one of them had service, but my mom managed to get in contact with me. She told me that she had managed to set up an appointment with the local animal hospital for about 45 to 50 minutes from now. Neither she nor I were sure whether you would make it or not, but I still sat with you. You had been laying on this bed for a while. The few times you managed to stand up, you managed to take about two steps, and fall. Not wanting to eat had caused you to lose your strength.

There are no built-in light fixtures in this room, I'm not sure why this house was designed so poorly. But I turned on the lights that we had set up in the room, I wasn't about to let you sit in the dark. But then I realized, you've been inside for about the past week now. The very least is I could take you outside, let that see one more time if everything hadn't gone dark for you already. I took you in my arms, walked you around the property, reminded you of your brothers and sisters.

I picked up a blade of grass from your favorite spot in the yard, still a little bit of dew on it, and held it up to your whiskers. You were so limp and so calm the entire time. I wanted to sit with you outside, let you enjoy the sunlight a little bit, but I didn't want to sit out in the yard with the mosquito swarms present. You deserved so much better than this. I wasn't sure what to do. I walked around the property with you more in my arms, you seemed to want to be active, but you couldn't.The closer it got to 9:15, the more scared and unsure I got. What if I put in the pet carrier, and you didn't make it to the vet. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want your last few minutes to be locked in a cage driving in the car. So I you on the grass and sand, I wanted to see if you walk towards the house or the car. I realized that although you couldn't walk, you were seeming a little bit more receptive to outside. I figured that if you have even a little bit of life still left in you, and if you wanted to try to be active outside, you deserve that chance.

I put the pet taxi in the car, but I drove up to Oviedo Animal Hospital with you in my arms. If you passed in the car, at least you wouldn't be in that little box. The staff there, bless them, they were so nice. But as they put a blanket over you to try to warm you up, your body temperature was low, they told me there was nothing much that they could do. The only options they offered me were to try to stabilize you from something that wasn't reversible, or they could speed you along. They weren't sure how long, if any time, an attempted stabilization would grant you, and I didn't want to your last images to be this cold place on a table in a small room. I decided just to take you home, let you enjoy being outside and on the bed one more time.

I took you back in my arms and drove back home; I could feel your little heartbeat against my fingers as I held you. I still wasn't sure how long you had left. It's about 10:30, maybe 10:45, by now. I figured that if you seemed at least somewhat receptive to being outside, this is where you may want to be. So I laid out some blankets, brought out a pillow, and opened up the barn door. You had a nice little cozy spot in the sun. I put the fan on low so as to blow any mosquitoes. You were always a strong little kitty and I'm surprised you held on this much longer. Yet it broke my heart to see you so close to the edge and yet still so far from either side.

I kept asking you what you wanted me to do. After a few minutes, I noticed that you kept trying to wag your tail. I asked you to twitch your tail if you could, if you wanted to go back inside and be soft on the bed. 2 little *thwips*, that's all I needed. I wrapped you up in your green blanket and grabbed the pillow, and like carrying groceries, I carried everything inside in one trip. I laid you down the say that I had earlier and the same way you were out in the barn. Your little jelly bean-toesies were cold. I had looked at that meme last night and thought that if there was one cat with cute toe pads, it was you.

My mom had managed to call me again, about 11:15. She said that cats can get dehydrated very easily. I was afraid to leave, even for 5 minutes, but I went into the kitchen to look for the chicken broth that my mom said we had. Nothing. Small tuna can! I squeezed out the juice into a little bowl and brought it back. You were still clinging on, and I'm glad you hadn't passed all by yourself, so I was thankful for that. But you didn't want tuna juice. Not even when I had dipped my finger into it and ran my finger in front of your nose and near your whiskers. You always loved tuna juice, but you hadn't been eating for days. I wasn't even sure if you had been drinking.

Just when I thought you were closer, and it would stop, you would prop your head up again, or stretch your legs. Other than your breathing, this was the only movement you would make. I was thankful that you were still alive, but I was still in pain to see that you were fading. You tried to sit up, at least twice. Maybe you did want water? I poured some into your little plastic Scooby-Doo bowl, this had always been your favorite water bowl. I was so hopeful that you were going to have some, you kept dipping your chin into the bowl, but you still didn't drink. Nothing.

It was about 11:40 now and you were still clinging on, I wasn't sure how. But you didn't seem to be in much, if any, pain. And I wasn't about to leave you, I wanted to keep you company for as long as I could. I don't know how much longer you may have, but like I said earlier, I wish you had forever. You deserve that. I wish I knew what was wrong. But I don't. I wish I could say that you were being a major drama-bomb, or that you were sick. But I know that this isn't the case. I see your eyes closing only a little bit by the hour, and your breaths are getting shallower, even if not by much.

You're little to pads are cold and I don't like that. I'm going to miss how you were super annoying, and how you did that weird paw thing to beg for food. And that little nose, and those pointy little ears. And the matted fur on your tail. I keep petting you through, just to let you know I'm still here. I'm not even sure if you can feel my hands on your sides. You've lost so much weight, your little kitty spine is more defined than it ever has been. You keep raspy meowing and trying to move, but further and further apart whenever you do. At this point, I honestly wonder if you're already gone, and your body just doesn't know. I've told you what feels like a million times that it will be O.K.

10, maybe 11, years ago, someone took your front claws and dumped you out here. I'd like to think that they dumped you into our laps. We couldn't give you back your claws, but I'd like to think we gave you as much as we could. And I hope you loved every second of it. I know that we love what you gave us. It won't be the same, and I'll never forget you.

I'll be sure to wrap you in a nice shroud and place you next to the St. Louis statue. As the patron saint of animals, there are not many other people I'd trust to guide you across the rainbow bridge. And one day, I'll see you again. I'll keep that corner of the cabinet that you think that you were scratching up. And I'll still stop in that one spot of the driveway whenever you refused to move. I don't have a watch on right now, so the only time that I know that it is... is yours. You'll always have a special place in my heart, and a special place in the litter box. But soon, you'll have an endless litter box, with the perfect spot for a catnap where you go. I'll pour some milk out for you, my kitty. You will always be one of the most annoying fur babies I've ever loved and would've never changed. You are, and always will be to me, Phydeau the Cat.