November 19, 2003

2:48am

They say we all fall victim to human nature. They say that during our lifetime, we are hurt by others and also, we are the ones causing the pain. From binge watching shows like Criminal Minds and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, I've learned that sometimes the abused may become abusers, which is some form of coping mechanisms. Regardless, I've never seen myself becoming an abuser until I was abused and needed some way of coping.

My last relationship was the most emotional relationship I've ever had, and this journal is witness to all of my turmoil. It is witness to my anxiety, my depression, and my trust issues. It knows about the others that have also betrayed my trust, but their affection was temporary. If my life was a book, I could fit all of them into a one chapter. They don't deserve their own.

But you...

My experience with you deserves at least 3 chapters. You changed me.

You were the person who breathed life into the monster growing inside of me, created by all of those who hurt me.

The funny thing is, you were actually the only person who actually cared about me. You made time for me. You gave me attention. You put in the effort to come see me. You even let me drive your car, and no one, not even your closest of friends drove your car. But I did. You wanted me.

You wanted me emotionally. You wanted to be the one to make me happy when my life was sad. You wanted to put my heart back together. You wanted to be the light inside of me.

You wanted me mentally. You wanted to think what I thought. You wanted to simply be my every thought. You wanted to be that place in my brain where I went to escape reality. You wanted to be my 2 AM thoughts.

You wanted my flaws. You wanted to soothe my anxiety. You wanted to nurture my depression. You wanted to kiss away my fears. You wanted to replenish my emptiness.

But when I saw you, I never felt more empty. I saw the potential, but I just didn't feel it. I was mad at myself for not feeling what you felt because if I did, I believe I would be complete right now. But I'm so lost. I questioned how could it be possible for one person to be so in love with another, and that person didn't feel a thing?

What made me even sadder was how I saw myself in you. I saw myself so blinded by emotions, I didn't even see the look of disregard in the eyes of those I wanted to be romantically involved with. You sure didn't see it in my eyes. Did you notice sometimes I wouldn't even look at you? I guess you thought I was shy. Yeah, I was shy to tell you my real feelings.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Some would say we, as humans, are designed to hurt, so if that's even true, then I'm sorry it had to be you who I hurt. You deserve more.