I recently got to thinking about the concept of ownership. Not just “I own this,” or “This is mine,” but rather knowing when something you did is your mistake or your mess. Not passing it off as being someone else’s problem, just to avoid confrontation. It’s a big deal in life, on a big and small scale.

If you are working at a professional job and something goes wrong that is your fault, and you pass it off as someone else’s fault or can’t find the courage to own up to your mistakes, don’t you think your conscience would be hurting? You know the feeling. That sick, twisted knot in your stomach that makes you feel like you are going to be ill, and eventually, it comes up and becomes more of a problem. Owning up to your mistakes from the get-go shows professionalism, maturity and shows that you realize where you went wrong and want to correct your mistakes.

On a smaller scale, let’s say, living with roommates, you are in an argument about cleaning the dishes, and rather than just being the bigger person, you begin to fight with them and claim it is not your mess, just to be the one to “win the fight.” What happens then? What have you gained? The bigger person would stop fighting and own up to their own mess and even take care of the other person’s. It’s simple.

I have had my fair share of roommates (13, to be exact). Pretty much a new set of people every year. And each year, it’s the same fight: “I didn’t eat your food,” “Those aren’t my dishes,” “Why don’t you ever clean?” “Who ate my Toppers Sticks!?” It’s stupid and irrational. We fight over meaningless things that if someone would just own up and admit their mistake, myself included, and say they are sorry, it would be over and everyone would move on.

Ownership to me is part of the “Golden Rule.” You know, “Treat others how you would want to be treated.” It doesn’t feel very good to be blamed for something that you didn’t do and have others gang up against you. On the other hand, does it really feel that good to pat yourself on the back and say “Good job, you won that fight. You showed them.” No. If you ask me. It’s petty and immature. At this point in my college career, I would like to move past that. “Winning a fight” really only leaves me slightly shaken and raring for another one. There should be a better way to handle disagreements.

Luckily for us, there is!

Finding better outlets for our anger and stress is key. And taking ownership for times when you mess up are important as well. But also, knowing when to fight and when to stand down and say “this isn’t worth it” should always be kept in mind.

For those of you with siblings, can you remember back to a time where you got into a pointless fight with them? I am seven years older than my younger sister, and every time that she and I would fight, my mother would yell at me and say “you are the older one here—why are you fighting like you are the same age? She’s just a kid.” And looking back now, she made a lot of sense. Pointless flights were started between my younger sister and me and the majority of them were just not worth it.

Taking that to my adult life, and now that I have almost finished four years of college, I can vividly remember times with my past roommate where fights were started over frivolous things, and it makes me wonder, “How could I have handled these differently?”

When things started falling apart with my roommates last year, I started distancing myself from them. I would mostly keep to my room, not ask for their assistance for anything, pay my bills when it was time, and keep my mouth shut. It just wasn’t worth the fight. And by the end of the year, things were starting to look up. Nothing ever went back to normal, but because I held my tongue and tried my best to keep to myself, I avoided a lot of pointless fighting. Now, I am not saying to banish yourself to your room when things get tough with your roommates, but knowing when to lay down your banner and walk away from a fight can save a lot of frustration and anxiety (and not to mention, reduce your furrowed-brow lines when you age).

We all are growing up. We are all starting to make our own life choices, not based on what our parents have instructed. We are in the real world learning how to support ourselves and how to thrive emotionally, psychically, and mentally. The next time you find yourself in a fight with your coworker, your roommate, significant other, or what have you, take a second to step back, maybe recite something to yourself that calms you down, and find a better outlet for your anger. When you make a mistake, own up to it. Learning this key concept can take you far.