Yes, I understand that "Friends," "The Office," and "Parks and Rec" are all good shows that many people, myself included, enjoy. What I've noticed recently, however, is that Odyssey writers seem to have an obsession with these shows that goes beyond simple admiration. It seems almost as though these writers are collectively trying to describe every single aspect of life in "[insert aspect of life] As Told By [insert one of the three shows/any names of characters from the three shows here]" articles. To combat the ludicrous amount of these articles, I've decided to create an equally as ludicrous list of all the things I would rather do than ever have to see another one of them again.
1. Eat the entire world’s supply of tide pods
Yup, all of them.
2. Live in a world where Trump becomes the sole dictator of the planet
Make EARTH great again!
3. Pass a kidney stone the size of a bowling ball
I hope my family doesn't mind the agonizing scream that will be coming from the bathroom.
4. Ingest the bowling ball sized kidney stone after passing it
That would make one massive food baby after.
5. Pass the kidney stone again, this time out the other end, after swallowing it
That one would probably be messy coming out.
6. Be waterboarded 24/7
Or questioned using "enhanced interrogation techniques" 24/7. Whichever you want to call it.
7. Have to suffer the fate of Sisyphus while enduring the effects of syphilis
I'll be feeling the burn in more ways than one while pushing that boulder!
8. Have several half-rusted screws drilled through my femur
Talk about getting screwed.
9. Eat and drink nothing but human excrement for the rest of my life
And if I'm lucky, some bits of corn will be mixed in every now and then too!
10. Spend the rest of my life with every parasite known to man inside and on me
"crawwwling innn my skinnn" (shoutout to Linkin Park).
11. Be eaten alive by a giant swarm of rats
Starting with the eyes.
12. Live without any of the 5 senses
*sits in corner, not moving and facing a wall*
13. Season, prepare, and cook myself into a stew for a tribe of cannibals
Don't forget the salt!
14. Sever my own arm with a jagged rock
Just to one up Aron Ralston who had to use his pocket knife.
15. Slowly insert needles into my eyes until their entire surface area is covered
Kinda like Pinhead, just only in the eyes and a lot more needles.
16. Wrap my genitals in barbed wire then corrode them with acid
Because barbed wire alone just isn't enough!
17. Dig my molars out of my mouth with a toothbrush shiv
Mostly because I like the irony there.
18. Go through the entire Passion of Jesus Christ, ending in my own crucifixion
Trust me, I'm not rising from the dead after that one.
19. Drink molten lead
I could have picked any metal, but I like the toxicity associated with lead.
20. Read literally anything else. Seriously, you aren't getting any clicks from me
This probably isn't the most shocking thing on the list.
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