I, as well as most girls my age, have had my fair share of heart break. I’ve been 16 and so in love; I knew he was the one. And I’ve been 20 and sworn off boys all together. This isn’t to say I am not still young and have many, many more things to learn about both relationships and life itself. But through the heartbreak, the love, the tears and the dreams starting from high school to now, my junior year in college, I can confidently say I have learned a lot about what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

I won’t lecture you on if your significant other is good or bad for you. The first key to a healthy relationship is not sharing every aspect of your relationship with the world. This is why I don’t have to lecture you. Deep down, I think everyone has a little voice in them that steers them through life. Call it your conscious or whatever. Personally, I like to picture it as a little Emily that sits on my brain and rolls her eyes a lot because, if I’m being honest, I don’t tend to make the best decisions. But I digress, that voice knows the truth and if you listen to it, it’ll tell you. The biggest lesson I have ever learned is to truth that little Emily, 99 percent of the time she is right. Especially in tough situations when I really don’t want to listen. Yet no matter who you are or who you are dating, there are universally certain rules every healthy relationship must have. There are the obvious, cliché ones everyone has heard and are quite true. Such as honesty, communication, trust, etc. But there are a few completely overlooked ones, the first being respect.

Maybe you’re like me and you figured this went as an unspoken understanding and never gave it any thought at all. Or maybe you hold this value close to your heart, in which case I must say you are miles ahead of me. Not having the respect of the person you are dating is one of the hardest things to realize. You can be in denial for years, claiming he is just hard headed and gets too heated during arguments. But if someone, friend or significant other alike, ever makes you feel like you are worth nothing more than the dirt they walk on, it’s time to pack your bags. I do not care one lick how much you love them, because they don’t love you. If they can disrespect you so much that you no longer can find anything you even like about yourself, they are toxic. They will drain you until you have nothing left to give, and they will leave.

Then there is understanding. There is a quote that says, “I need someone who knows how I take my coffee, tea, and alcohol and knows when to make which.” I encourage you to be with someone who is genuinely curious about you. Who learns your quirks and moods and how to pick you up when you fall down and stand proudly beside you when you are on the top of the world. You can spend a life time with someone and constantly be learning new things about them. Learn each other, understand them, and grow together.

Lastly, encouragement. You don’t have to agree on everything with each other. Just because you are dating does not mean you must compromise your values or feelings in any way. Learn who you are both alone and with that other person, and then find a way to be able to blend together without clashing. Sometimes that takes work, and that is OK. Relationships are work. Commit yourself. But if that person doesn’t believe in you wholeheartedly and push you to reach beyond your biggest dreams, they aren’t the one for you. It is vital to have a partner who is your biggest fan and your personal cheerleader. In their eyes you’re a rock star and you deserve all of your dreams to become reality. Their mission is to push you to work hard and get you there. You should be as equally encouraging.

This is a big scary world we live in. Some choose to walk it alone; others choose to hold someone’s hand and work hard to see each other through it. At the end of the day, you are the maker of your own fate and no one else. Love has a lot to do with the world. My whole life my dad has told me the biggest decision I ever make will be who I choose to marry. I am glad I have had my heart broken. I am glad I have been in terrible relationships that broke me down and I am glad I have been alone. The lowest points have given me sight to what I want and need in a relationship.

No matter how old you are as you read this, someone is going to hurt you. And it will feel like someone threw a match into your rib cage and you’ll feel like it’s hopeless. Unfortunately that’s just how life goes. But I can also promise you that there is someone out there who is going to help you stand up again and show you a different perspective on everything. Wait for them. They are worth it.