Growing up in a border town, I was always exposed to a great deal of racial and cultural diversity. I never realized how parenting strategies differ greatly by region. In my hometown I always felt more sheltered by my parents than the rest of my friends. Now, I am living in the dorm rooms, in close quarters with students who come from many different backgrounds. Right away, I began to notice behavioral similarities amongst certain groups of students. One similarity that was very noticeable was the family backgrounds of rebellious students.
It is understandable that most students decide to go out and have fun as soon as they are exposed to freedom. However, there is a certain group of students who seem to take their new exposure to freedom to the next level. During my college welcome week I saw girls blacked out on the streets, throw up in the elevators, boys with hickeys on their necks walking around the dining commons and ambulances in the parking lot almost every night. I began to wonder if they knew better or not, especially when it became a pattern. I’m not sure if they did.
Not only did this particular group of students make several stupid mistakes, they also didn’t know how to react once they had. I overheard hung-over students having conversations with their parents the morning after. They were in tears asking for advice on what to do because they “felt sick” and overslept a mandatory class or missed a midterm. These conversations would go on throughout the day, calling their parents to ask simple questions like “How do I start the washing machine?” or “I think I’m running out of toothpaste what should I do?” At first it seemed like a joke to me, that there were actually students smart enough to be admitted into a prestigious yet have very little survival skills and common sense. I soon found out that these students lacking certain skills were even more sheltered throughout their adolescence than I was.
As I began getting closer to some of my dorm-mates, I found that most of those who I had witnessed getting out of hand admitted that they did not know how to handle many situations. Nearly every student who I talked to mentioned that their parents were very strict while they were growing up which prevented them from experiencing things many teenagers do. One girl I talked to said she was never allowed to talk to boys in high school or hang out with any of her friends without a parent supervising her. She said many of her friends would talk about their boyfriends and the parties they would go to and she was always jealous, so she is thrilled that she can finally “fit in." She also jokingly shared that she may have gotten pregnant but doesn’t know by whom. Although she had never had sex before she had gotten to college, at her first party she slept with two guys back to back, neither of which used a condom. When I asked her if she had done anything else to prevent pregnancy she answered “I don’t do pills, they’re expensive and a pain in the ass."
Many times it was very easy for me to point out those students whose parents were very strict growing up and who coddled them through their teenage years. The reason their situation is noticeable is because they yearn for the freedom they feel they missed out on in high school, but they want to obtain it all at once. Freedom should be something that is slowly earned throughout a child’s life. The problem with parents sheltering their students through a crucial time period is that as soon as they begin living on their own, they feel the need to make up for lost time. Gaining a lifetime’s worth of independence in the first few weeks of college is impossible, because teenagers need time to learn and make mistakes. Therefore, when students are bombarded with freedom they aren’t used to, they cannot handle the situation correctly. They struggle staying in control and also with doing everyday things like handling money, time management and problem solving.
I am definitely not saying the prevention method for college rebellion is by letting your teenagers do whatever they want in middle and high school. In fact being the “cool” parent and letting them come home drunk every weekend may actually lead to worse rebellion in college because they form habits and feel encouraged to do such things. There is however a happy medium. As I got older and showed responsibility my parents slowly started letting me do thing on my own which helped prevent me from feeling the need to be sneaky. My senior year in high school they allowed me to have a boyfriend and out with my friends as long as they knew where I was at all times and gave me a curfew. They even offered me a glass of wine at dinner one night and told me that if I ever wanted to try alcohol to let them know. They told me as long as they were around and I was in the house they would let me try it so I didn’t get carried away later. Also, with these new privileges also came responsibility, they began increasing my chores around the house so I could develop more life skills.
Sometimes I was jealous of my friends whose parents allowed them to come home from parties at two in the morning or be at their boyfriend’s house unsupervised. I always felt as if they were being too strict. Now, that I have met students with family situations on both ends of the spectrum, I am glad my parents found the balance between when to hover and when to give me my space to grow on my own. I do admit that every college student sheltered or not has different forms of celebrating their new profound amount of freedom. For me, this celebration of adulthood consisted of going to sleep later and a couple days of binging on unhealthy snacks since my parents never had any around the house. However, based on what I’ve noticed, these rebellions could be much worse, and also much more dangerous.
Sometimes it is hard to find that balance between being a helpful parent and a “cool parent”, but the truth is that each parent knows their child. Which means, they know best how to raise them accordingly. I do suggest taking the time to talk to your teen about this new stage in their lives and the temptations that they may be faced with in college. Slowly easing your teen into adulthood may be helpful in keeping them safe and allowing them to learn to fend for themselves. Adulthood is definitely not a process that should be solely achieved in college; it takes many years in the making. By ensuring that your child is taking the steps towards maturity before they begin life on their own not only are you keeping them safe and healthy but also you are allowing them to be independent. By leading your teenager towards a healthy amount of independence you are allowing both you and them to later reap the benefits.
