It’s difficult.

You’ve spent [insert days/weeks/months/years] wondering whether they like you or not. You’ve painstakingly chosen each word you’ve said to them. You’ve put more effort than you’d care to think about into your appearance. You’ve agonized over every single interaction.

And—given half a chance—you’d do it all again.

But if you can’t be with the person you like (for whatever reason), then it’s an act of self-care to let them go. To take the energy you’ve devoted to them and use it to improve yourself. Here’s how you can begin to do that:

First, respect your feelings. If the mind is a city—with crisscrossing, crowded streets and limited real estate—then the heart is a sprawling countryside. There’s plenty of space. Which means you can build giant monuments to the people and things you love. When it comes time to move on from this person, though, the mind can be quite cold and unsympathetic. Just knock the fucking thing down and build something else in it’s place, the mind might say.

Understand: that’s how things work in the city. But in the countryside, things move much slower. Things take time. It may take you twice as long to work through your emotions as it took you to establish them and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself. Respect your feelings. Be kind to yourself. Allow this painful process to lead you inward; to be a reminder that the best love we ever receive, we give to ourselves.

Second, distance yourself from your crush. This might mean unfollowing them on social media and cutting off all contact (for a time). The point of this step is to give yourself room to purge. Seeing what your crush is doing (and who they’re doing it with) can make the purging process more painful than need be.

You may find, as you begin to let go, you have more time on your hands. Without your crush taking up such a significant portion of your mental and emotional energy, you’ll spend less time obsessing/analyzing/hoping.

So, third, use this extra time to take care of yourself. This may mean returning to hobbies you’ve neglected. This may mean recommitting yourself to your hygiene, to your beauty, and to any other pleasurable activities which make you feel good about yourself. This may mean checking-in with your loved ones. “How are you? Have I been attentive to your needs lately?” Crushes represent the promise of future love—sweet, perfect love—but often, can make us forget about the love we already have in our lives—the sweet, imperfect love that is already ours.

Finally, remember that this is not your only chance at love. There will, undoubtedly, be other opportunities. If it didn’t work out this time, it will.

Trust. Release. Relax.